Hi. I'm new to this forum, but desperately need help. If anyone is willing to edit my Short-Answer for the common app (150 words max) that would be great. This is a rough draft so grammatical mistakes are off the walls. Any feedback (even if it's harsh) is really appreciated. Thanks :)
"What's nine plus seven Amanda?" I asked sitting on a small, wobbly stool. The nervousness in my voice as I asked her that simple question disappeared when she hastily replied, "Sixteen!" Grinning, she knew the answer was correct, but was waiting for a nod of approval. Satisfactorily, I nodded my head and the grin on her face turned into a beautiful smile.
I recall this moment, which occurred about a year ago. It was my second day on the job at the Kumon Learning Center, an academic enrichment program. After working with Amanda for a year, she is now able to tackle long division problems. Throughout this year, I have felt more like a student at Kumon because I have learned the importance of crafty explanations, patience, and hard work. The relationships I have developed with students and their parents have allowed me to realize the importance of giving. After all, education is the greatest gift of all.
"What's nine + seven, Amanda?" I asked, sitting on a small, wobbly stool [Descriptive, but unnecessary for making your point]. The nervousness in my voice as I asked her that simple question disappeared when she hastily replied, "Sixteen!" [How can your voice lose nervousness if she is talking? Also, slightly confusing structure] Grinning, she knew the answer was correct, but was waiting for a nod of approval. Satisfactorily, I nodded my head and the grin on her face turned into a beautiful smile.
I recall this moment, which occurred about a year ago. It was my second day on the job ["I recall this moment" could be eliminated. Try 'This occurred on my second day on the job, about a year ago'] at the Kumon Learning Center, an academic enrichment program. After working with Amanda for a year, she is now able to tackle long division problems. Throughout this year, I have felt more like a student [Maybe 'Throughout this year, I have begun to feel more like a student'] at Kumon because I have learned the importance of crafty explanations, patience, and hard work. The relationships I have developed with students and their parents have allowed me to realize the importance of giving. After all, education is the greatest gift of all. [Powerful last sentence. However, it is extremely cliched and that takes away most of its power. Try to think of something that really means a lot to you.]
A great subject, overall not much improvement is needed. They will love that you work in education already, and understand the codependent learning process. You may want to make it clear how old Amanda is, as it isn't clear if the center is for educating young students or those with learning disabilities. Good luck with the rest of your applications!.
