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"John's influence" - comment on my essay. Is the topic too generic?


kb2010 2 / 3  
Oct 10, 2009   #1
Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Here was the dilemma. On our way to the wedding, the motorcycle decided to both run over a nail, and lose its battery power. We were stuck in the middle of a busy road, in all our formal wear with a broken down motorcycle and nothing to do. I instantly began to freak out and started worrying about all the things which had gone wrong. How would we get to the wedding? Was it too far to walk? Would are clothes get dirty? What woud our friend think of us if we did not make it to the wedding? While I was sitting there nearly hyperventilating, John was calm, figuring out all that we needed to do. He concluded that getting to the wedding was of premier importance and so he called up a friend and asked for a ride there. Next, he reasoned that if the motorcycle was tireless and without power then no one would be able to steal it, so it would be alright to leave it somewhere. So, we pushed the bike to parking lot, locked it up, and waited for our friend to come pick us up and take us to the wedding. John has always shown this kind of behavior and demeanor. Logic and reasoning have become the two key qualities I employ to run my life, and the main reason for this type of behavior is from the influence of my cousin John.

John's influence is of great importance to me because it has led to my interest in engineering. The way John was able to handle every situation with poise and understanding made me admire him. He showed me that in most situations, there is almost always one clear and obvious solution. This thought process has become the way I try and live my life, and the reason for my immense respect for him. Engineering appealed to me the most because it was the only discipline which makes any sense to me. If I can figure out how things work and why they do in the manners which they do, I could use these facts to develop the answer to all questions on this particular topic or be able to build and create a solution. There would be no need for any speculation, guessing, or subjective solutions; there would be just a right and a wrong answer. John always had the innate ability to analyze each situation and reason out the solution. The countless times he presented me with the correct answer to a question, or the right way to handle a situation demonstrated his adept method for problem-solving. This demonstration always appealed to me and made me want to be the same way.

John's influence has left a lasting impact on my life. His methods of approaching situations with composure and a surety in his beliefs made him seem almost omniscient; making it seem like nothing could phase him. This trait really appealed to me and convinced me to attempt to adopt his coherent, rational thought-process and way of thinking, so that I could analyze issues with the same aplomb as him.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 10, 2009   #2
On our way to the wedding, the motorcycle decided

This is not the best way to say this. A motorcycle has no capacity to decide. We do say things like that sometimes, but they are always in very informal situations. In a college essay, unless it is a part of a dialogue, I don't think it is formal enough.

I liked this a lot. The hardest part was figuring out who John was. You didn't tell it until the very end of a long first paragraph. I was distracted by not knowing.
chocodollar 1 / 2  
Oct 11, 2009   #3
If I can figure out how things work and why they do in the manners which they do, I could use these facts to develop the answer to all questions on this particular topic or be able to build and create a solution. There would be no need for any speculation, guessing, or subjective solutions; there would be just a right and a wrong answer.

"why they do in the manners which they do" sounds confusing, maybe " why they behave in such manners"?
and i think you don't just like engineering because it always had a right answer right? the way you phrase it made me feel this way. though i'm not an engineering person but i think before we arrive at any solutions there will always be some sort of guessing involved right?

i'm not an english pro so i can't help you much but i think this part needs rephrasing.
OP kb2010 2 / 3  
Oct 11, 2009   #4
Thanks a lot for the help. I will be sure to take your thoughts into consideration while revising.
:)


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