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Johns Hopkins Supplement- Why Biology Essay

nadine83 6 / 23  
Dec 31, 2009   #1
In desperate need of help!
Please look over my essay for Johns Hopkins.

A question often asked to students by their teachers: "What would you like to become when you grow up?" My classmate had responded to the question by saying that she would like to work in a candy shop so that she could eat candy all day. Following her response I answered with a serious expression on my face, saying that I would like to become a doctor. My response, so certain compared to my peers' colorful responses, brought out a laugh from my kindergarten teacher. She responded by telling the parents visiting for Career Day that I seemed ready for medical school already. Wrinkling my nose in distaste at the prospect of more school, I replied by saying that I wanted to become a doctor because I liked the "superhero capes" that they wear. That drew even more laughs from the adults in the room. Little did I know that there was truth in my answer- doctors are indeed heroes in everyday life.

Becoming a doctor has been my aspiration since childhood. The reason behind this decision in the beginning may have been shallow, but my desire later grew on more logical grounds. My sister has had eczema since she was one month old. My family, extremely anxious as to how it would affect her life, looked towards our pediatrician for help. The way our pediatrician guided and comforted us through our crisis made me realize that I would like to similarly help others, and my heart hasn't changed course since. Doctors are an important part of a community and I want to make a difference in people's lives. I enjoy helping people out, whether it is a matter of giving some advice or being there when someone needs some support. Becoming a doctor is a great way for me to get out into the world and help those in need.

Curious even as a child, the concept of my sister's eczema confused me - why my sister got it and not me, why she itches when she touches silk while I can wear the dresses without the slightest irritation, what causes her allergic reactions. I asked many questions as a child, questions that had answers much too complicated for my youthful mind to comprehend. Questions were always either left unanswered or received answers much too vague, and I found myself frustrated, constantly hunting for answers. At school, I found the answer to my questions: science. Intrigued by the many aspects of science and the intricate ways by which our bodies and everything around us work, science became my favorite subject. Disease-causing genetic mutations; Einstein's much heard of, but less understood theory of relativity; the combination of two monosaccharides through the process of dehydration synthesis- science knows no limits. By high school, my passion for the sciences set my resolve to become a doctor. I walk into my AP Biology class everyday excited, knowing that I will be learning something new, complex, and interesting. I love finding out the "why" behind everything that happens in the world around us, such as the cause of my sister's eczema and our genetic makeup. The knowledge that science makes our lives easier in many ways, such as immunizing us from potentially detrimental illnesses, fascinates me.

Within the subject of science, there is always something new you can learn; it is forever growing, changing, evolving. My love for the sciences and my desire to help others makes the career of a doctor perfect for me. Combine this with my love for children and understanding of the desperate lengths parents go through for their children's health and you get the ideal candidate for a pediatrician. I believe that attending Johns Hopkins can help me reach this ambition and satisfy my thirst for knowledge by preparing me for medical school with its array of majors, resources, and opportunities. It would provide me with the high level of education I seek with its challenging and motivating classes, as well as a rich and meaningful college experience. Majoring in biology or physics at the Krieger School of Arts and Sciences would bring me one step closer toward reaching my goal. This university offers its students many means by which they can stimulate their minds and grow as a person, and I hope that I may become a part of and contribute to the Johns Hopkins community.

Any and all comments/criticism is welcome.

LolaYu 1 / 5  
Dec 31, 2009   #2
I love your essay! It flows beautifully and you subtly tied it back in with why Johns Hopkins is for you. There was just one awkward spot but besides that there's nothing wrong with your grammar and structure.

Questions were always either left unanswered or received answers were much too vague, and I found myself frustrated, constantly hunting for answers.

I am also applying to Johns Hopkins and I'll be posting my Johns Hopkins essay soon. Do you think you could take a look at it?
OP nadine83 6 / 23  
Dec 31, 2009   #3
Do you know how I would be able to rephrase it?
And also, do you mind if I look at your essay tomorrow, because it is getting kind of late. Which one would you like me to read?

I promise I'll read it tomorrow!

OP nadine83 6 / 23  
Dec 31, 2009   #4
Does this sound better?

My questions were always either left unanswered or received answers much too vague, and I found myself frustrated, constantly hunting for answers.

or this

Responses always vague, I found myself frustrated and constantly searched for answers.
LolaYu 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2010   #5
No, I'm sorry but neither of those really make sense.

My questions were always either left unanswered or received answers much too vague ...

You can see more clearly why this doesn't make sense if you take out the first part "either left unanswered". Then your sentence will read "My questions were always received answers much too vague." (which obviously doesn't make sense) So you need to make this second part of your sentence make sense with the first part by saying something like this: "My questions were always... answered much too vaguely". Then your sentence will flow completely: "My questions were always either left unanswered or were answered much too vaguely."

You could do that or say this "My questions were always either left unanswered or the answers I did receive were much too vague."

Does this make more sense?

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