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Johns Hopkins Supplement #1 Chemistry or Biology?.... Wait, Biochemistry!

willyfree 2 / 2 2  
Dec 19, 2012   #1
Hey guys. This is the first of quite a few supplements I have to write over the break and I would really appreciate it if I could get some constructive criticism. I'm really nervous about the application process because my first choice college deferred me so PLEASE be as harsh as you can! I want my writing to be top notch! I will try my best to critique anyone who helps to edit mine. Thanks!!!

I began participating in the medical black market as early as the age of six. And while swiping gauze strips, cotton swabs, and topical ointments may not be exceedingly high risk, I was exuberant to start my own clinic to treat the various "boo-boos" my brother and I acquired. As the son of a dermatologist, I've always been fascinated with medicine and the human body. However, AP Chemistry soon cleaved my scientific passions right down the middle. I became enamored by everything chemistry had to offer. I became the annoyingly curious front-row child, asking "Why?" and "How?" while drooling over complicated explanations of quantum states I had no chance of comprehending. Yet all my curiosity appeared to be steering me away from my original love; I could find no connection to medicine. Finally I linked chemistry and the human body through my bodybuilding lifestyle (and I'm not referring to anabolic steroids). My insatiable curiosity and desire to become a better athlete caused me to stumble upon the biochemistry that linked ALL of my passions. Understanding the body's metabolic and enzymatic regulation furthers my athletic goals and allows me to recognize the body's failures and how to ameliorate them. A concentration in biochemistry at Johns Hopkins would allow me to apply my fascination not only to my studies but also to my personal goals as I strive to perfect myself and humanity.
nairbear68 6 / 29 6  
Dec 19, 2012   #2
hey i am in the same situation as you as my first choice also deferred me ^^ ah well, they didn't want us so who wants to go there, right?

wow your essay hooked me from the start because you mention the black market (i'm writing this as i read)
the "And" at the beginning of your second sentence is unnecessary.
try not to make yourself sound too dumb (which you're obviously not) when you talk about not understanding chem
why not add a little humor in your parenthetical with

(don't worry, I'm not referring to anabolic steroids)

no caps in a college essay, c'mon. and be more specific instead of saying ALL my passions, say exactly medicine and chem and bodybuilding

though the prompt doesn't ask for this, still add in how JHU will help you bc they actually want to hear your passion for the school

please take a look at mine if you have time! thanks and good luck :)
weeyizhi /  
Dec 20, 2012   #3
I agree with the first poster. Try to bring in a little bit about JHU here (just a little bit). The special programs they have or something about their biochemistry course.
nairbear68 6 / 29 6  
Dec 20, 2012   #4
it flows well, not choppy at all!
now that im re-reading, im wondering you meant by the black market in the beginning, because you mention nothing about this later
weeyizhi /  
Dec 20, 2012   #5
Hi again. Thank you for helping me with my essay. I don't have any criticism for this essay. However, my overall opinion is you answered the prompt accurately and did a good job explaining how you got interested with biochemistry. If you somehow manage to shorten your essay (which I think is already very concise), you might wanna consider telling us more about how you use your knowledge in biochemistry to enhance your experience in body building. Good luck =)
briannalawson3 2 / 4  
Dec 20, 2012   #6
try to talk a little more about John Hopkins. dont just throw it in at the last minute. Research and impress them that you did your research showing you really want to go there because they have a certain thing that makes them stand out. take out the ALL CAPS for ALL my passion. other than that it was really well written and interesting.

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