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Johns Hopkins Essay - Collaboration with others, including peers, mentors, and professors

arnoldb 2 / 2 2  
Nov 28, 2018   #1

a time when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience

Can you help me improve my essay, I greatly appreciate your feedback on any additions or subtractions. I want to know if I've really brought out the element of collaboration, or how well I've tried to answer this prompt. I am over the word count by 60 words,

Write a brief essay (300-400 words) in which you respond to the following question: Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others, including peers, mentors, and professors. Talk about a time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience.

This summer, I had the opportunity of working as a casual kitchen porter at Holiday Inn Hotel in Bulawayo. The work experience introduced me to hot, humid and physically demanding working conditions, and one of a kind collaborative effort I hadn't rubbed shoulders with before in my life.

Standing seven and half hours, elbow-deep in scolding hot water cleaning dishes, with the tottering piles of dirty pans, cutlery, dishes,... in leaps and bounds, with no sign of progress in my work, and with ballooning pressure in a fast paced environment, I could have thrown in the towel the first day I was called to do this very demanding job. Feeling bone-tired after a long shift, with pruney fingers, sore hands, and aching feet, I could not help but think of my first work experience as somewhat daunting. Surprisingly, I endured and stood the heat, not because of the monetary benefits. What drew me into loving my work was the collaborative atmosphere that cultivated a sense of appreciation of how my work influenced my co-workers and the whole cycle in the kitchen.

My pace had a direct impact on the chefs, the waiters, and other staff in the kitchen. With no clean pans or dishes, nothing was going to be cooked and served on the table. Hence, I was bound to engage with temperamental chefs and waiters who were always on my toes or who were always breathing down my neck. "I want this...How come all dishes are still in the line....can't you be fast Mr." These were compliments from some of the burnt out staff and chefs. But most of the time, when a waiter or chef came looking for a dish, a steamer tray, or anything else, they wore a warm smile. "Hello, how are doing? How is it going here...can I have this? Oh, thanks." The way they greeted me and took to conversation showed me a sign of respect they had, and that I was not alone in this. My work combined with theirs is what produced the best dish to be served for the clients. My mind became occupied talking with people who came to my station each minute with dirty dishes, or to get something, or just for a breather. And that way, I remained calm under pressure in a highly stressed out environment.

People may play different roles in a collaborative effort, but each contribution is vital for the success of the team. The open air between the staff at my workplace uplifted me to work with people whom I thought would look down on me as a porter. Through them, I observed that my pace and commitment to my work had a direct impact on almost every aspect of food preparation and serving.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Nov 29, 2018   #2
Arnold, your response is correct. The problem, is that you lack the proper English grammar with which you use certain English phrases, idioms, and colloquialisms which make the essay feel unnatural and incorrectly presented to the reader. What you have to do is proof read the essay and revise the aforementioned mistakes to create a well developed response essay. Without the proper editing, the essay sounds like it is definitely ESL written, which you may want to avoid since you are applying to an Ivy league university. The corrections are as follows:

tottering - tee tottering
in leaps and bounds - in mounds
scolding - scalding
pruney - pruned
stood the heat - withstood the heat

I think I caught all of the problem phrases in your essay for correction. Once you apply the proper phrases, edit the excess words by shortening the description of your workplace. It doesn't need to be highly definitive. Shorten Paragraphs 1 and 2 to come in under the word requirement.
leylamagsud 5 / 6 1  
Dec 5, 2018   #3
Hi Arnold! I really enjoyed reading your essay, I think it is written really well. Seeing that you are over the word count, maybe you should try removing some bits about how challenging your job was and adding more information on how you actually collaborated with others? Give specific examples, for example.

Would you mind checking my personal essay as well, please? :) I will appreciate it very much.

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