Johns Hopkins Common App essay "How my country shaped me"

I guess this answers the question..Significant experience
I'd appreciate any comments on grammar or content:)

The Carving of Me
It was dark. I was alone in a mysterious place. The only thing I could see and feel was the cold concrete underneath my bare feet. I was suddenly alarmed by my surroundings. My heart started to pound until I could see it vibrating my whole body. I started to run. I ran through what seemed an interminable narrow path. I kept running until my feet were bursting with pain. I then paused to catch my breath. "Don't look back" I ordered myself. I knelt down to relax and then looked up to acknowledge what was around me. There it was. I actually found it.

My life represented this dark and narrow path. It was only a few years ago when I moved to Saudi Arabia. The culture was new to me, even though it was my home country. It took me a while to get accustomed to the black and white environment; the traditional white Thoab for men, and the black Abaya for women. Knowing only little Arabic, I struggled to understand and concentrate at school. This made it difficult for me to communicate with others. After a while I became more knowledgeable with the Saudi Arabian culture. And only after that I learned that women are discriminate here. I learned that their future was laid out for them; borders were laid and barriers were placed. The one who dares to cross them can face many social consequences.

Women did not have many opportunities. I was completely convinced that women were not able to drive, work, or have a worthy life. I used to live in that dark path where barriers were set up for me, until I found what I was looking for; a light that would show me the way for freedom.

When I was in 9th grade, I moved to a new school. This experience was not very new to me; since I was used to going to new schools all the time. I wanted this school to be a new start; a place where I could break through those imaginary borders. The light I was looking for was my school. But my school was not just any school; it was a school of opportunities. Not only did I gain knowledge, but also experience. Since it encouraged us to overcome the barriers set by society, I learned that the borders and barriers that were laid out for me were of my imagination. My school gave me the opportunity to shine and represent women in Saudi Arabia and abroad. This made me realize the important role women hold in the world. I started conducting projects to help the environment, while encouraging women to take part in the community through the process.

When I look back at myself, I see an ignorant girl. Now, I see myself as a new person. I realized that although my country was a reason for my early collapse, it was also a reason for my success. My country has made me different. It has made me strive to look over the barriers it has set and break through them and to find the light that would make me succeed; which was my school. I can see how it made me who I am now. It showed me that no social barriers can prevent you from pursuing your goals, and that your willingness to change can reveal chances and opportunities you could never see before. I am grateful that it has made me see the closed door and act to open it. My country has shaped my personality making me an ambitious and goal seeking woman. What is now left for me is to light the candle of hope for other women in my country, so they can see what they can do with life and what life can do for them.

should be "Knowing little arabic"


i feel like the structure is a bit too choppy. too many short sentences.


basically, you've repeated yourself: one in a literal sense, and one in a metaphorical sense. I think it'd be more effective if you could combine these two sentences, maybe keep it metaphorical for style.


oh no you didn't! (ghetto accent) Lol, the FACT that men are better? that sounds bad. maybe like...the social stigma? the platitude?


should be: convinced that women were not able to drive, work or have a worthy life.

I think your essay has a good message, and it's a very great idea. It's a really significant experience, and if you could just make it clear the link between women not being appreciated, and you realizing that women can be appreciated, the essay would be even better! cheers.

u should avoid starting sentences with 'and'


u used the same couple of words to begin the next sentence. try : " i see myself as a new person now"


this sounds contradicting. wasnt it you who came to a revelation about yourself? or your school?
but in case it is really your country, you should elaborate more. say how specifically it did, maybe come with some real life examples. and what did it change in you? other than the stuff u mentioned. U criticize saudi arabia very harshly in the beginning, but suddenly without explaining your country seems better.


and also i think you should say " i was brainwashed by society to believe ..." , its sounds more appropiate

All in All, i like the essay! i can follow the path of which you are trying to make, but its seems very vague in a sense as well. you explain a lot of different things but dont go in depth. perhaps stick with only a couple of bad experiences and elaborate them more. examples . and also u spend too much time explaining the past, while the focus of the essay is your present and ur future, and how your country shaped you. you started off good but suddenly everything ended, which i presume is because of your word limit.

I also like how you express your feelings through the essay. but to save some space you could make the introductory paragraph a bit more brief.

Good Job!
and good luck

Would you care to look at my essay? :)