Johns Hopkins Supplement - Yay Genetics!

Hi! I finally got around to writing my JHU supplement and here's the product, ta-da! However I am not sure if it answers the question fully and whether it is an answer they look for. Any constructive criticism, particularly on structure and grammar, will be much appreciated. Thanks and happy snow! :)

Also, I would like to know if it is extensive enough...it is kinda on the short side, approximately 335 words. But they did say "brief," right? Or is this tooo brief?

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Our existence is essentially dictated by the arrangement of four nitrogenous bases. One mistake might spoil the entire protein, and one defective protein can potentially devastate an entire system. Shortened life expectancy, repressed immune system, and hindered brain development all result from genetic mutations that the scientific community still does not know how to combat. I am drawn to the alluring mystery of the genetics, and the human frailty under the manipulation of such minute events that are completely out of conscious control. Although as a student I am an eclectic learner who is motivated mainly by the raw and sincere passion for expanding my intellectual caliber, I wish to concentrate my academic pursuit on Biology at Johns Hopkins University. The Krieger School of Arts and Science offers not only a large selection of biological courses, but also a wide spectrum of genetics courses that will deepen my understanding of gene regulation and chromatin transcription, two topics of biology by which I am especially intrigued.

I go to a school that does not turn down students with disabilities, and I have sympathized with their everyday distress and witnessed their unwavering courage for the past three years. They are not unhappy individuals. In fact, most of them are quite social despite their speech impediments, and they love to share their weekends with anyone who cares enough to ask. Some of them attend normal classes like other students, while others feel more comfortable in a special classroom the school has designated for them. Regardless of their environment, they overcome the difficulties Down's syndrome brings with focused determination. Nothing stands in the way between these individuals and the world - except for a mere frameshift mutation in a strand of DNA or nondisjunction of a set of chromosomes during meiosis. However, they should not have to spend the extra effort so that they could have the same starting point and the same opportunities as those who are born "perfect" have.

These students have inspired me further to pursue Biology in my future years. I hope that one day I may make a difference in others who suffer from any genetic disease with my mutation-free existence. Those who are born with genetic defects compensate for their disabilities with tremendous resilience and strength. They fight for the opportunities that others take for granted, and having been inspired by their vitality, I wish to fight for them. I hope to take the first step of this meaningful battle by majoring in Biology at Johns Hopkins University, where I believe I will certainly find the arms of science.

^Grammatically, 'them' can refer to disabilities, which I understand is incorrect, given the point you are trying to make.


^How can someone be loquacious, if they have a speech impediment. This is a juxtaposition that just does not work.
I do not understand the weekend point you are making. How do people share weekends, and what is overlooked? Weekends? The conversations about weekends??


^Are you referring to the weekends here? (Obviously not, but grammatically, you are being ambigious) Also, the informal approach here can be considered insensitive.


^You may want to state, why you would like to deepen your understanding?

You do make a number of grammar errors in your essay. These need to be rectified.
In terms of content, your essay seems to be on the right page. However, you do not quite provide a strong enough link with the disabled people in your school, and your interest in genetics. As the link is not strong, it is questionable as to whether the first paragraph is even relevant to the essay prompt or what you are trying to say.

I think you did a great job explaining why you want to pursue a career in genetics. The essay overall is well written. My advice to you would be to cite some specific examples of how you have worked or spent time with individuals who are disable due to genetic mutations.