The prompt: The Committee on Admission is interested in getting to know each candidate as well as possible through the application process. The following essay question is designed to demonstrate your writing skills and facilitate our full appreciation of who you are..
A. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)
And my essay:
If life experiences are amino acids, then college must be the spliceosomes of life. Each person is a unique, long strand of mRNA that must go through the process of translation, and by the anticodons of tRNA, every person and every mRNA develops into a distinctive amino acid chain, a distinctive polypeptide, a distinctive person. As spliceosomes, college is akin to trimming us into individuals. College decides which "genes" of our personalities are expressed.
People's personalities are influenced and shaped by their life experiences. Everybody undergoes different events, and each person's background has been shaped differently. That is what allows people to become unique. In my life, I've had four specific things that have shaped me.
The first specific thing isn't an event; it is actually something that I had no control over. My mother and grandmother emigrated from the Soviet Union two years before I was born. I grew up learning both Russian and English at the same time, although English was my first language. When my mother came to this country she had very little money and barely knew English. However, with the help of the Tidewater Jewish Federation, my mother was able to afford a small apartment for my sister, my grandmother, and me. As I grew older, my family was able to gain more and more luxuries, even moving out of the apartment and into a house when I was in fifth grade. I realized that the true reason that we were able to do these things was because my mom's steadfast perseverance. She always worked hard because she wanted to give me and my sister the childhood she never had.
The second specific thing isn't an event either; it involves something that I was born with that has changed me forever. I was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries, a condition in which the aorta and the pulmonary artery are reversed. From birth to three years of age, I had two cardiac catheter procedures done to make a hole in the septum between two chambers that allowed oxygenated blood to flow to my body; when I was three, I had open heart surgery to correct this condition. When I was fourteen, I discovered my limits when I had severe chest pains on a roller coaster at an amusement park. To say the discomfort I experienced on the roller coaster was a learning experience would be an understatement. Sure, I had to visit the cardiologist every six months, but my heart problems had never spilled over into my day-to-day life except when I took off my shirt at the pool and had to explain the seven inch long scar that runs down my chest. The experience of my chest pains from the G-forces made me realize that I had to be careful, that I couldn't take things for granted that my friends could do. I used to think that I could take on everything, I was always in control, and nothing could ever hold me back. Finding my limits helped me gain perspective. I've learned from my doctor that others who've undergone my procedure have had to go through surgery at around the age of fifty. I know the statistics show that I'll have to get a pacemaker implanted one day. However, I know that I can still enjoy my life and I don't intend to let this condition hold me back.
The third thing that defines me is my religion, or more importantly, my religious youth group, B'nai B'rith Youth Organization. I joined BBYO in ninth grade and it has helped me by both involving me actively in the Jewish community and by helping me meet other Jewish teens like me in my area and in all parts of the country, and the world. Being in this group has helped me learn more and more about the tenets of Judaism, especially about how they relate to contemporary Judaism. This education has ultimately culminated in my being elected to my chapter board as the Shaliach, or religious leader.
These experiences and life events have shaped me into a one-of-a-kind individual...CONCLUSION
Any and all comments are much appreciated! Thanks very much, guys (and gals)!
Good. You explained who you are well, but you did not directly answer the question (How will you contribute to Rice?)... It might be better if you stated more clearly in the second paragraph exactly what the four perspectives are. Admissions readers get tired, and I can imagine they do not want to search for answers. Am I correct in that your four perspectives are being Russian/knowing two languages, getting out of poverty/perseverance, not taking things for granted, and being Jewish?? Just word it better than I did. haha. How will you contribute to Rice? For example, since you are heavily involved in your religious youth group, you could say... I plan to contribute to Rice by joining [insert Jewish student organization] Writing specifics about the school shows you are very interested and have done your research. Also, you can make "People's personalities are influenced and shaped by their life experiences. Everybody undergoes different events, and each person's background has been shaped differently. That is what allows people to become unique." more concise... or you can actually probably delete it because you are repeating the prompt. Watch repeating the same words over and over. You used "shaped" several times. You could say, "I developed," "This experience molded," etc.
This is my first comment. Sorry if I had too much to say. I am just trying to help! Overall, I liked it! You have good ideas. Also, I am very sorry about your serious heart problems. You have definitely had a more difficult life than most people our age. I am glad you have such a good attitude about it.
I am applying to Rice too! Best of luck!
