Here is my essay that i am about to send for the UC application, please fire all the criticisms and comments you have at me, thanks
Personal Statement 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Five years back I was lying down in my air-conditioned hotel suite with the remote to the television set in one hand and the phone in the other hand, ready to call room service and order myself a well done T-bone steak. I had no feelings for the homeless mendicants across the street that had no choice but to lie exposed to the fierce Delhi sun accompanied with a scarce water and food supply. When I look back at that time in my life I realize the different person I have become now. Just a little while after that time I joined a boarding school amidst the Himalayan mountain range called Woodstock.
It is over here, far from home, I learnt that I am not the only person on the planet and things other than my own pleasures are important as well. Along with the superior academics and superior facilities, Woodstock is a non - profit school which thinks about the welfare of the rest of the world and not just of its own good. The faculty here makes sure that no student's mind is fixed solely on the school and that everybody engages in the world around them at all times.
There is a committee called CARE, Community service And Restoration of the Environment, in this school that encourages students to help the needy and rejuvenate the deteriorating surroundings. I often participate in these CARE programs along with my friends. One day we visit a nearby orphanage and spend a whole day there, playing football with the older kids and teaching the younger ones simple English phrases and mathematical operations. Another day we put on gloves, sling huge sacs across our shoulders and march across the hill side bagging every speckle of garbage we spot on our way. Our motivation behind such altruism is that we know, as privileged students, we have the power to make a difference and as Peter Parker said, "With great power comes great responsibility."
Our school conducts itself along similar lines. Recently Woodstock decided to completely sponsor two kids from Afghanistan. Now we are studying alongside these two students who are given love and affection from everybody and have become a crucial part of our community. The school believes that everybody deserves a fair education and so it uses its resources to help students who do not have the funds for it to get the well-rounded Woodstock experience.
Living in Woodstock and participating in the various activities has inspired me to pay attention to the world around me. I am planning to take up mathematics and finance as my course of study and want to use my education to become an entrepreneur, but not just a mundane- monomaniacal entrepreneur whose only concern is profit. I aspire to provide the destitute of my country like the ones across the street from the hotel with an opportunity to work and rightfully earn their money rather than disgracefully roam the roads begging for it.
Armaan Bindra
The faculty here makes sure that no student's mind is fixed solely on the school and that everybody engages in the world around them at all times (I think you should say something more specific here, because it is getting very vague.
The discussion of CARE is very good!
In this kind of sentence, it is good to use a pair of commas:
I aspire to provide the destitute of my country, like the ones across the street from the hotel, with an opportunity to work and rightfully earn their money rather than disgracefully roam the roads begging for it. ----This is a very well-written sentence.
:-)
