Hi everyone. I'm currently applying for Singapore University of Technology and Design. I googled some tips and luckily found this board. I appreciate any proofreading and suggestions from you. Thank you in advance ;)
This is my essay :
"If someone were to ask me to describe my life as a kid, I would reply, all that I knew was that the early stages of my life were transient. They felt evanescent with a touch of whimsy lost in translation and I was not able to garner much information from the not-so-distant past. Yet, one thing I knew for sure: That my dire lust for complex machinery shows the mechanical engineer inside me.
I was only ten when I first landed myself with a battery powered tamiya car. Fanciful it may sound, it was not just another toy but one that offered what a real car had, save for passenger seats and air conditioning. I was absolutely riveted with the harmonic works of the engines that created a complex mechanical system. As I grow up, the love for mechanical engineering continue rising, and my passion for making my own stuff and longing for visually attractive objects remain undiminished.
Once in Junior High School I joined a motorcycle club and did a lot of research of bike engines, and through a rigorous training, I finally understand all of its component and how it works. The frantic roar of an engine coming to life was a frightening experience. A grey metallic orifice sputtered and stuttered hues of bluish grey smoke against the cool night sky. I gave the throttle a light blip and the revs climbed willingly, accompanied by a sweet serenading growl. Giving the bike a final check, I registered in my mind; transmission checked, differentials checked, camber angle checked, suspension checked and we were ready to go!
Moving to high school I joined a car club and was elected to be a leader of official science and math project. We worked lots of things. One of them is designing a stable carnot machine with all of its complex mechanical component to generate a maximum power with the least waste. After being tested for a week by bunch of examination, our creation was chosen, representing my region for the National contest of excellent students and then won the gold medal. By hosting a team, I learnt a lot about ownership and compromise, which was an extraordinary experience for me to be with many confident Indonesian students. Since then, I have found that interacting with other people is a great way to keep myself inspired.
Furthermore, I realized that challenging myself and taking part in extracurricular activities do wonders for me. I was the assistant-trainer in official Taekwondo martial arts team bearing blue-belt. Striker and Captain in my soccer team and the leader of my Motorcycle Club.
I believe with SUTD prestigious aid I will be able to continue my education to the highest. As an international student, I will try my best to further the studies in engineering systems and design. Upon completing study, I hope I will have my own studio, where I can live my dream and contribute myself to the community."
Hi Valerie,
What's the prompt for the essay?
SUTD is affiliated with MIT, hence you want to make sure your achievements are quantifiable. Also, not everyone will be familiar with the term "tamiya car". You may want to define it to make it clearer to the reader.
I think you have a flair for words, especially in the first paragraph, but I'm not sure how relevant it is to your prompt. Especially since you are limited to 500 words, each word must count. The beginning of your essay seems a bit to romanticized for this purpose.
Hope this is helpful so far.
Good luck!
Hi Diana, Here is the prompt for the essay:
"The essay is the place in your application where we'll look for your voice - who you are, what drives you, what's important to you and makes you tick. The essay should include your personal statement and portfolio, including your past three years experience, leadership and creative achievement."
The essay is 498 words long
Do you think it will be quantifiable for the application? is it too dramatic?
The deadline is in 48 hours so I gotta be working on it swiftly >.<
Any comment would be really appreciated!
Thank you :)
