Hi guys, I really need help on my college prompt essay. My teachers can't help me and I need advice.
The college prompt is: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
The adrenaline rush that comes with sprinting full-speed, and then launching your body into the air is absolutely exhilarating. The pole brings you to new highs before dropping you down into a soft pit. This is the moment every pole vaulter dreams of; either making or breaking it. The difference between making or breaking is simple, dedication. I joined pole vaulting my sophomore year, thinking it would be an easy kickback experience with my friends. Upon joining the sport, practice turned out to be tough and exhausting because of the long hours the JV coach drilled us. After practice, I was sore everywhere, and dreaded going the next day. I skipped many practices, believing that I was natural that didn't need training. On my first meet I walked up to the pit cocky and confident, but ill prepared. My expectations were high, and I thought it would be easy to clear the bar on my first try. I failed miserably, knocking the bar down three times in a row. Humiliated, I realized that to become a great pole vaulter, a lot of practice was required. I was motivated to achieve the highest record on the team, and the only way to do that was to start going to practice. After months of difficult work outs and intense conditioning, I improved my stance and technique. In the following meets, I was able to clear 6, 7, and even 8 feet. New place records motivated me to train even harder. By the final meet, I aimed high for a new record- 9 feet. My head was filled with doubt from the beginning because nine feet a long shot, but I knew that this was my last chance. I started awfully, failing the first two times. I was really determined, so I cleared my mind, shut out negative feelings, and gave it my all. With my heart beating fast, perspiration pouring down my face, I burst into a full on sprint and catapulted myself into the air. The whole thing happened in a split second, but felt like an eternity. My legs, then arms, passed over the bar, barely clearing the 9 foot bar. I had actually achieved my goal: setting the new record. The endless hours of practice had finally paid off, and I had just won the meet of my life. I discovered that I could achieve anything, as long as I put my heart and soul into it.
Thanks!
don't use "making or breaking it" back to back. try to rephrase it because it sounds awkward.
it's a good essay but it's lacking something really special. maybe add in some imagery or make your sentences shorter when the story intensifies to create suspense. just suggestions, but something along those lines would take your decent essay and make it outstanding.
the ending sounds too cliche. definitely change the last sentence.
spend more time on how your experience relates to you in general because that's what's really important to the college.
Thanks for the advice rgudz26. I added a few things, and changed ending.
The adrenaline rush that comes with sprinting full-speed, then launching your body into the air is absolutely exhilarating. The pole brings you to new highs before dropping you down into a soft pit. This is every pole vaulter's dream; to soar over their record. The difference between ones who break it or make it is simple- dedication. I joined pole vaulting my sophomore year, thinking it would be an interesting new experience. It turns out I was a natural at the sport, and I actually enjoyed it. Upon joining the sport, practice turned out to be tough and exhausting because of the long hours the JV coach drilled us. We ran endless hills, laps, and sprints. After practice, I was sore everywhere, and absolutely dreaded it. Conditioning was a chore, so I skipped many practices, falsely believing that I didn't need training. On the first meet I walked up to the pit, cocky and confident. My expectations were high, and I thought it would be easy to clear the bar on my first try. Being ill prepared, I failed miserably. Humiliated, I realized that to become a great pole vaulter, conditioning was a must. I wanted to improve, and was motivated to achieve a new record for the team. The only way to do that was to start going to apply myself. The following months were filled with difficult work outs and intense conditioning. Gradually, I improved my stance and technique, and was vaulting 6,7, even 8 foot bars at meets. The new place records meant progress, which motivated me to train even harder. By the final meet, I had improved dramatically. I aimed high for a new record- 9 feet. Nine feet was a long shot, but I knew that this was my last chance to shine. I started awfully, and failed the first two times. However, I was really determined, so I dug my feet in, shut out negative feelings, and gave it my all. With my heart racing, perspiration pouring down my face, I burst into a full on sprint towards the pit. The pole smacked into the pit and I leaped like a basketball player, catapulting myself into the sky. The whole jump passed in what seemed like an eternity. My legs, arms, then head passed over the bar, barely clearing the 9 foot bar. I looked back and was astounded that I had actually achieved my goal. The countless hours of practice had finally paid off, and I won the meet of my life. This experience showed me that I was capable of accomplishing anything, if I put my heart into it. I find this prevalent throughout life. Whether in school or sports, the only way to be great or improve at something is to work hard and be dedicated. There are no easy ways through, only blood, sweat, and tears. Through pole vaulting, I have found the formula for success, I now strive for it through hard work, instead of the easy way out.
Just a few more thoughts.
I looked back and was astounded that I had actually achieved my might be better if you add lofty/ambitious here goal. The countless hours of practice had finally paid off, and I won the meet of my life. This experience showed me that I was capable of accomplishing anything, if I put my heart into it. I find this prevalent throughout life. Whether in school or sports, the only way to be great or improve at something is to work hard and be dedicated . There are no easy ways through, only blood, sweat, and tears . Through pole vaulting, I have found the formula for success, I now strive for it through hard work, instead of the easy way out.
I know it's hard to fix but your ending is too cliche. I put in red things I consider cliche. The thing is there are millions of other applicants who say the same thing, granted with a different experience, but still. Though it might be very true, admissions people get bored reading the same cliches over and over again. Try to rephrase the ending to take out the cliche phrases, especially the last sentence since you want to have a very interesting conclusion.
The problem with your essay, like most essays, is that though it's well-written, it's too predictable. Try to fix the cliche if you can and your essay is in good shape. I do really like the topic and everything before that though, so good job.
