STATEMENT ONE:
Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
(NOTE: In addition, if you are an incoming freshman and would like to be considered for undergraduate academic scholarships, make sure to clearly outline your academic and career goals in this essay.)
MY STATEMENT:
Claudia 'Lady Bird' Johnson said, "The way to overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid." I wish someone had relayed this advice to me, an incredibly shy fourteen-year old, prior to entering the intimidating world of high school. As a child, I was overly timid, and unfortunately, in my first two years of high school, I refrained from becoming fully involved in any activity that was important to me. Over the next two years, however, as I started to contemplate my future, I slowly learned the lesson Mrs. Johnson teaches, and little by little began to build confidence.
Undeniably, joining cross-country as a ninth grader was the first big chance I took. I had never experienced running before, and I had none of my friends by my side - in fact, I was absolutely terrified on the first day of practice. After a week of grueling drills, I began to question whether or not I really belonged in cross-country. Nevertheless, my teammates convinced me not to give up and I continued to show up for practice day after day. Regrettably, however, even though I won the award for Most Improved during my sophomore year, I never fully committed myself to the sport. In hindsight, had I tried to overcome my reserved demeanor and lack of focus, I believe I could have made a major contribution to the team.
Subsequently, as a senior in high school about to embark on my college career, I have learned a valuable lesson. Each year I have continued to become more self-confident and grow as a person through the activities I have participated in. Among these are a nurse shadow program that helped me to explore future career plans and a leadership program through which I met a myriad of interesting people and gained many necessary leadership skills, including public speaking. After touring your campus on multiple occasions, I realized that the wide variety of opportunities University of Wisconsin-Madison offers is a dream come true for someone like me, as not only am I on the threshold of discovering more of my strengths, but I have matured to the point where I am ready to fully involve myself in campus life, both academically and socially. I am confident that the University of Wisconsin-Madison will help me to continue my growth, and I look forward to exploring my love of learning and contributing my newfound eagerness to meet new people and make a difference in all new endeavors. I would be proud to follow in my mother's footsteps, a 1977 University of Wisconsin-Madison graduate, and as I enter this next stage of my life, I am ready to discover what my true calling is. Keeping Lady Bird Johnson's words of wisdom in mind, and with your acceptance of my application, I will enter college with confidence and dedication to excel in everything I set out to do.
please please please read and help me make my essay better! any constructive critisism is appreciated! :) thank you so much.
In hindsight, had I tried to overcome my reserved demeanor and lack of focus, I believe I could have made a major contribution to the team.
Doesn't that sound better?
Each year I have continued to become more self-confident and grow as a person through the activities I have participated in, including a nurse shadow program that helped me to explore future career plans and a leadership program through which I met a myriad of interesting people and gained many necessary leadership skills, including public speaking.
This is just one huge sentence and this will lose people's attention halfway through their reading of it, so either shorten it or make two sentences out of it. And your transition from the first sentence of that paragraph, could be, nay, should be a lot better.
And wow, thank you soo much for taking the time out to deliver that amazingly detailed review of my essay. It just puts this little review of mine to shame =P
But on the bright side, I really liked your essay. And by the looks of it you seem like an amazing writer. =)
