Hello, this si my common app essay that I will be submitting to all my colleges. Please read it and give me feedback in regards to content and grammar. Is it good/sincere? I am applying to 4 ivy league schools, so I truly hope I can get good feedback on these essays. Thanks!
PROMPT: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance
"Jonathan, you're just not good enough."
When my coach blatantly refused my request to allow me to play, my prior confidence and enthusiastic spark were replaced by a deflating sense of hopelessness as I recognized my role as a benchwarmer during my first basketball game. Frankly, the traditional saying, "bench players are just as important as starters," never ameliorated my negative outlook of the bench. Soon enough, my sense of stoicism shattered and I faced a decision: quit or get better. Tired of my own excuses and motivated to disprove the doubts of my peers, I decided to persevere if only to prove to myself that I had what it took to become a starter.
The purchase of my LA Fitness membership signified my commitment to the decision. Soon after, my life could only be explained by the Nike slogan, "Eat. Sleep. Basketball." My days began at 4 am, with my hand languidly crawling to end "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk, followed by a trip to the gym before school, and ending with an aching hand repeatedly pounding the ball against the monotonous drum of the washing machine in the stone, cold basement floor. Messi probably felt the same when he said, "You always will have to fight to reach your dream; sacrifice and work hard for it." Hair disheveled and with one too many sprays of Axe: Apollo, my chances of attaining a girlfriend and popularity had all but vanished, but to me it was worth it.
As time passed, the fruit of my hard work began to bloom. My peers began to notice my improvement and soon enough, my coach allowed me to obtain more playing time. By the end of my Freshman season, I earned a place on the team as a starter and eventually was promoted to Junior Varsity. Yet through my success, I came to value a principle far more important: perseverance, even in the face of unachievable success. I realized that amidst my disappointment, the decision to persevere, the hope that I had a chance, was something I so desperately needed. Through the grit and sweat, my determination instilled values in me that have applied to many other facets of my life.
This mentality gave me the ability to continue to achieve amidst many obstacles. The year after, my life took a turn. In China, the school I attended was small and academically competitive. In an environment where a 4.0 GPA was unimpressive and where your SAT score decided your status, basketball-my icon of triumph-was equated with academic weakness. However, the values instilled within me from my experiences with basketball, inspired me to accept the challenge and develop an academic vitality. Thereafter, I began to focus on my studies with a determination second to none. It was this determination that allowed me to take six Advance Placement exams that year and achieve a high SAT score, all of which allowed me to enter the National Honors Society and achieve numerous other school honors. It was this determination that motivated me to achieve that which I never would have been able to dream.
Perhaps we have all faced decisions in our lives that have resulted in triumph and failure. However, one can never comprehend the power of perseverance without experiencing it personally. I know that the decision to persevere, was paramount to my understanding of finding success in life. Even though I may never be the best player or the smartest student, perseverance has reminded me of the power of pursuing a dream and the gifts that come with making sacrifices
Honestly, I think it's a little too cliche, especially against the prompt being something so meaningful to your background.
All-in-all, especially against the extremely competitive students you'll be applying against, I think that perseverance is something easily indicated by the non-essay portion of your application, and writing about SAT, NHS, etc. seems a little redundant considering you've likely already stated them in your academic portion of the Common App.
Other than that, I think the essay is sufficiently well written, but I find that the content doesn't really resonate with me or make an impact.
I may be a little biased though because personally, I always think that that prompt is a little on the weaker side if you don't have something particularly unique to write about.
Hi Jay. I must tell you that your essay is really one of the weakest responses to the prompt that I have read here. I think that weakness stems from your inability to really focus on a background, talent, or skill that can highlight your personality. The basketball story even veered a bit into the creative writing side with product endorsements with the mention of the gym and your perfume, plus the music you were listening to. It was almost as if you were trying to depict a television commercial instead of a personal experience. You definitely should not use this essay. It will not help your chances at gaining consideration for university admittance.
Instead of trying to discuss two topics, extra curricular and academic, you should opt for the topic that can best represent your perseverance. My belief, is that you should instead focus on your academic trials instead. It seems like the more reality based discussion that you can use to present your background will be in terms of academics rather than extra curricular. While the story does seem a bit common, if that is your reality, then you should discuss it as such. There is nothing we can do about your cliche of a story except make it sound creative and interesting in order to help it respond to the prompt.
You do have another option to this problematic prompt situation. That is, you still have the option to choose another prompt if you agree with us that this prompt will be hard for you to develop. There are 5 prompts that you can choose from, so choose the prompt that you can best discuss and refer to actual experiences about. Don't go for dramatics. Just choose the most informative essay that can best portray you as a person to the reviewer. You don't need to spend time making an essay that does not work, usable.
1st paragraph
- my prior confidence and enthusiastic sparkenthusiasm were replaced by
3rd paragraph
- I earned a place i n the team
- my determination instilled values in me that I have applied to many other facets of my life.
Final paragraph
- It was thisis determination that motivated me to achieve
- my goals andthat which I never would have been able to dream.
There you have it Jay, I made my remarks direct to the point in order for you to see the difference of the essay on a different perspective.
I hope my remarks helped, for future reference, try not to use the same words all through out your essay, play with words, and oh, reading a lot can help your vocabulary, so try to do so if you have free time, also, don't forget the purpose of your essay, you tend to go beyond it's purpose or what the prompt is asking so be very careful. Overall, your essay is written pretty good. Good luck!
