- Advice for cutting words/sentences would be appreciated.
- There was a lot I had to say about UPenn, and I wasn't sure how to organize my thoughts, so let me know if there is any confusion/disorganization and how I could fix that.
- Also, the first time I truly became interested in UPenn was by encountering a Penn fashion blogger online; I think it might be a cool story, but I'm not sure if I should incorporate that and how. Any thoughts?
Thank you in advance! :)
Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
From journalism to fashion and traveling to film, I've been continuously exploring my varied interests to find that ideal subject to build my career on to positively impact the world. However, after discovering UPenn, I realized I didn't have to sacrifice one of my passions for another. Whether I studying abroad at the Cardiff School of Journalism in Wales, writing for the Daily Pennsylvanian or the WALK fashion magazine, or visiting CURF to receive advice for my research project, I plan to explore my diverse interests, discover hidden talents and concentrate these passions into an influential career.
With a double major in Communications and English, I am most excited by the flexibility of concentrations in The College and these majors. Indulging in courses like Freaks and Geeks with Professor Pearl and Literatures of Jazz, I see myself building perspective and strong foundations in realizing the changes that powerful communication can create as I become my own innovative communicator and writer by concentrating on Creative Writing through my English major.
From receiving advice through the College Alumni Mentoring Series, strengthening my speaking skills through Communication within the Curriculum, and taking writing workshops at Swarthmore or Kelly Writer's House, my goal in life is to share my stories and the testimonies of others to let one more person know that life is beautiful. As a fashion blogger and news writer, I can't wait to dive into new communities at events like Penn Fashion Week and neighborhoods in Philadelphia and around the world, reaching out to one more person and letting his or her story be told.
With a minor in Journalistic Writing or Comparative Literature, I hope to amplify my writing voice and skills while I apply newfound knowledge to practical training in the real world. Working with the Annenberg School of Communication, I see myself participating in internships, joining the Undergraduate Communications Society and building insight and experience in television, film and other areas. Beyond these experiences, I hope to work for University Television-13, WXPN and activities hosted by the Goldberg Media and Communications Program to create new relationships and expand my experience and understanding of the media world.
Experiencing the value of music and art in my life and witnessing the power of the arts in others have inspired me to embark on my own undergraduate research project at UPenn through the Fox Leadership Program as I interact with the Netter Center and the Community Arts Partnership to help provide optimal arts education to underprivileged students in Philadelphia. Additionally, I hope to be part of UPenn's devotion to civic engagement by volunteering for groups like Jam4Life, West Philadelphia Tutoring Project or PENNPals.
Whether I am fostering cultural relationships through the Korean Students Association or encountering a new friend on Locust Walk, I know I will always find students who want to thrive in adventures of learning and self expression just as I aim to do at UPenn. In the end, I hope to look back at my Penn experience knowing that I have utilized all my talents and Penn's resources to leave a legacy in someone's life and to share stories with the world. A dynamic community of intermingling diversity thriving with endless opportunities to influence, lead and discover-that is UPenn. And I can't wait to make UPenn my story.
FYI Penn doesn't have a hard limit of 500 words, it says an essay of one page (around 500 words). 513 words is certainly within reasonable bounds, so I wouldn't worry about the word limit until you go past 550 or 600 words. As it is, it's a perfectly reasonable length.
Oh thanks for that! That's definitely reassuring.
Sometimes I feel redundant, so cutting out unnecessary stuff would still help a lot. And advice about content, grammar, etc. would definitely be helpful too.
Edited! (Need help cutting down and organizing my ideas! Thanks so much!)
some advice i think you cut down a bit of the listing and focus on a few. Now u sound like u r introducing what the school has to offer instead of linking you and the school together. Too many examples, too little details. And i think you need a stronger intro. Like some quotes or fun facts
I really loved the ending of your essay!
^I agree with amberisdead. I suggest choosing 3ECS/classes/whatever and elaborate and go deeply into them?
Your enthusiasm for Penn leaps off the page! :)
overall, good job!
*Thanks for editing my essay! & I'm Korean too! Maybe there's a possibility that we'll see each other at KSA!
From journalism to fashion and traveling to film, I've been continuously exploring my varied interests to find that ideal subject to build my career on to positively impact the world. However, After discovering UPenn, I realized I didn't have to sacrifice one of my passions for another. Whether I studying abroad at----Sometimes you need to cut out the uninspired first sentence so that the first impression is made on the reader by the excellent second sentence. Above, that is my suggestion for you.
With a double major in ---oh, you did such an excellent job with this paragraph.. very good!
Let's not use the "From---> To" form here: From Receiving advice through the College Alumni Mentoring Series, strengthening ...
With a minor in Journalistic Writing or Comparative Literature, I hope to amplify my writing voice and skills while I apply newfound knowledge to practical training in the real world. ---Too many adjectives! You should read Strunk and White, and also read On Writing by Stephen Kind. Those 2 books are so important for someone with your double major...
:-)
Alright, pretty good! This is a strong essay, and they are stupid if they don't accept you!
