I've decided to use the same essay for both, I need to condense the UC one a little down due to word limit. I know the prompts are slightly different, but I'm going to change them up for each application. Please be critical! I will read and analyze any body who does the same. This was written fairly quickly, not my best.
ApplyTexas: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
UC: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Your mother has six months to live. I'm sorry sweetheart," was all the doctor had said when I was waiting in the vast white, glass lobby. I was thirteen at the time. My whole world was shattered in a matter of seconds like a snow globe that hit the floor. I didn't know what to do and I was petrified.
It was the summer of 2009, the year before my freshman year of high school, that I flew to South Korea with my father to see my mother. She flew out a couple of months before us, before I graduated from middle school. I ended up graduating a few weeks early, but that was no big deal since I skipped seventh grade anyways. The real "big deal" was that my mother had several peptic ulcers and chronic kidney disease. She had been hospitalized and was slowly dying. Before she had left, the only memories I had of her in the states were her screaming in agony and always passing out shortly afterwards. I had to take leave from school some days to take care of her, but I was only of so much help. Seeing her on what I thought was her deathbed was torture. The start of all her diseases one may ask? My father.
Growing up in a rural part of Jeong-Ju, South Korea, my mother had a horrible life. She had six other siblings, only had one outfit for an entire year, and had to eat bugs and plants and some days when she was lucky, maybe up to ten grains of rice. When my mom had the opportunity to come to America with her first husband, she used it as a start to a better life. She started her own business and was on the road to success, but she had gotten a divorce with her first husband, and met my father. At first, he seemed to be the epitome of a perfect husband, but turned out to be the complete opposite. He physically and emotionally abused and tormented her. All her stress rooted from his hands. When I was in kindergarten, we went into serious debt and my mom and I were living on the streets, eating a loaf of bread per week. He had left and took all of my mother's savings to his first wife and son. My mother was devastated and didn't realize that her body was giving up on her.
My father eventually came back to my mom, and with a forgiving heart she accepted him back, later to find out that he would bring her more stress and that seventy percent of her kidneys would die on her. We didn't realize how serious her sicknesses were becoming until she passed out all the time. The doctors in El Paso, Texas, could not help her case because we did and still don't have insurance, so we had to fly her out to Los Angeles, California, or South Korea.
My mom had fought hard, although she wasn't fighting cancer, she was still fighting death itself. Having to research all the things that could help her become healthier, made me realize I also wanted to become a doctor and hopefully help others in need like my mom. She's the strongest woman I know, and she has given me so much of my own strength. She taught me to be brave and go for anything. If I really set my mind on something, I can accomplish anything. She always pushed me to do better, and always told me there's room for improvement. Till this day she is still fighting all her pains, but what's important is that she's alive.
Our journey has taken us down many roads, but right now our journey is on divorce. As we are sitting down in her lawyer's office, I 'm writing this letter to my mom to show her that she's the strongest woman I know and that she has never let me down. I intend to do the same for her on my next journey.
I think your essay fits to UT Austin instead of UC. You talk about your mom mostly in your essay, which tells nothing about you, remember you need to be the center of the essay not your mom. I feel like I know about your mom better than you after reading your personal statement. You should describe more about how your mom shapes your dream and aspiration.
I actually fixed this essay up today, thank you!
Any ideas on how I can condense my essay for UC Prompt 1?(Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.) I know this is way too long for UC, so I'm trying to condense it without taking too many details out, but also trying to use it for the prompt.
I would get try to get rid of the any unnecessary information about your mother and fatherr, like the essay is focusing too much on her rather than on you and how it changed you. I only find out more about you in the first two paragraphs and last two paragraphs.
Is that for the UC or the UT
UT, I've decided to write a totally different essay for my UC...LOL
I would still try to summarize the middle 3 paragraphs about your mom more. This is about you and how you learned from her, not her.
-I ended up graduating a few weeks early, but that was no big deal since I skipped seventh grade anyways." Omit that I feel it's unnecessary.
-Also fix the part where you talk about your dad left and came back it needs to be transitioned better.
-I thought it was only your dad you didn't like? If so, change family to father and parents to parent.
- "We didn't realize how serious her sicknesses were was becoming until she passed out all the time"
I disagree with the others I feel like your mom is the strong point and the connection here is sooo deep if you could add more about how it changed you that's better than omitting something vital.
It should say "her sicknesses were becoming until she constantly started to pass out" to have subject verb agreement and make more nse
"She always tells me that I have grown up too fast and that I was never given a chance to be a child, but how could I be selfish and let her fight by herself after everything we had been through? " I don't think "continue to" is really necessary.
Overall, this is written very well and at a personal level. However, 3/4 of the entire story is about your mom. I think cutting a little off your mom's story and adding more to how she's changed you would be beneficial.
Good luck.
Your right I read that too fast to catch it was plural, sorry.
