I will say that personally I am not a good writer. Please help me make any corrections to improve my personal statement. Thank you :)
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
My intended major is Business Administration with concentration in accounting. For me, Accounting is not only a major I'm looking forward to study, it is a challenge to my interest that one day I will be successful accountant in the future. I believe I have the necessary skills and potentials to pursue it as my major. I have dreamed about myself working in an office and interact with other business members in a conference room since I was little. Considering from what I was saying, my main goal is to be one of the top business people in the entire world. I will work extremely hard to help myself reach that goal.
One crucial moment that I will remember for rest of my life is my senior year in high school. Mr. Gonzales gave me a D for Algebra 2. He said, "One day, you will come back and thank me for what I did." I was frustrated for the grade that I received; at the same time, I did not like Mr. Gonzales because of the result he gave me. The reason I did not receive the letter grade I wanted because I did not do any homework or paid any attention in class. All of these change when I get to attend community college while taking College Algebra as one of my full time courses. I vowed to myself that I was willing to do my homework, finish every assignment the teacher assigned, and put in extra time to study for more. The result at the end of the semester was unreal; I finally get my first A for college Algebra. First A I received since the junior year in high school. The GPA I got for that semester was 3.7 and I received Dean's Honors and an academic award. Having excelled one of the courses, I was so proud of myself for what I have done. I started to believe that I got the grip of college classes so I took Stats in the summer section after that and received another A. With the achievements that I received, I can proudly say that I'm ready for university as my next step.
Beside my talent with numbers, there are many skills that I'm good at and one of them is communicating. During this summer of internship for Wells Fargo Bank, I got to apply all these skills to prove to the managers that I'm qualified as one of the banker. During stage direct, I approached customers with in a professional way and asked them to open a bank account with me. My result was neutral that full with success and disappointments. By the end of my internship month, I succeed with opening five personal bank accounts for five different customers. This experience has made me self-motivated and highly passionate with the job. I hope that these skills will get me a place in university and more challenges that it has to offer.
I am not sure what "my result was neutral that full with success and disappointments means. Also, check verb tenses throughout. For example, "by the end of the month, I succeed" should be succeeded.
Also, I would be a little bit more detailed in my aspirations than just to say to be one of the best businessmen in the world. In what area of business? Why is this so important to you?
Good luck.
thank you :) more suggestions are better.
I believe I have the necessary skills and potentials to pursue it as my major. Wasted sentence. You can always accomplish more by giving an example rather than by making a claim. This claim is too obvious, anyway, because the reader knows you think you have the necessary skills; otherwise, you would not be applying.
I have dreamed about myself working in an office and interact with other business members in a conference room since I was little----this makes it seem like your purpose for going into business is based on a childhood idea... not a serious idea.
. Considering from what I was saying, my main goal is to be one of the top business people in the entire world. I will work extremely hard to help myself reach that goal. talk is cheap!
Now I read the rest of the essay, and it is very good! I just don't like the introduction. I think the part about the internship is excellent. But I think you should google this: how to write paragraph topic sentences
Your paragraphs need topic sentences... :-)
