Good day everyone. I have wrote this for the UC personal statement. I'd like some feedbacks of it if you will. It's a bit too long and a little dull since I haven't wrote for years. So please help me to this better. Thank you.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The journey of my life has been quite interesting while comparing to the lives of peers I grew up with. My life is just like everyone else's life, shaped by families and events through their lives. However one thing that made my life different from those of my peers is that I made the right turns at right timings.
I was born in a middle class family in Hong Kong. My father had been working to support the family since eleven. The fact that he never finished elementary school limited his options to low paid jobs and makes him an illiterate of English. My mother on the other hand was slightly luckier than my father. She had to work as a child also but managed to graduate high school. She worked as a clerk most of her adult life.
As result of a rough childhood, my parents had always stressed me to treasure my life as a child since it was a luxury they could not dreamed of. My parents also had always made an example of themselves to emphasize that education is guarantee for quality of life. Having been working since their childhood, my parents often shared their social experience with me such as appropriate manners as well as positive attitude toward life.
I was an average student most of the time in schools despite of the pressure from my parents. But I do remember that in eighth grade I became fond of history. It was because my history teacher, Mrs. Ho's enlightening speech. She said history is not about details in the past, but what can one learn from the past. She also taught me that it is essential to understand one's thought in order to understand one's act. Since then I was not only fascinated by history but also psychology.
At September 2003, my family arrived to America. It was a tough decision for my family to start all over again in a place they knew nothing about. But my parents decided to move to America for my sake. At first my family was struggling to adjust. Eventually my parents had found jobs and I was able to learn in English. During the first two years in America, I had learned the true definition of freedom not just politically but the freedom of life.
At the same time I had to decide for my own future: college. I had decided to join the military to earn my education so my family would have one less burden to carry, even without their approval. After a series of argument with my parents and a graduation ceremony, I reported to the boot camp in San Diego at June 2006. During my four years in service, I had been deployed to Iraq in 2007 and Afghanistan in 2009. Both deployments allowed me to explore different cultures. I was excited by the fact that I was witnessing history while I was astonished how the human minds worked under harsh and extreme circumstances. Not long after my first deployment I realized that I should pursue the path of psychology after my discharge, so that I could help my fellow comrades out from the horrors they had seen, stresses they had been in.
The journey of my life perhaps does not have a pre-planned destination, but it had brought me to where I am at now and it has showed me a path. I shall proceed to the direction it had showed me because I love this journey.
A couple of things that I wanted to highlight ( I too am going to be applying to a UC so dont really consider my advice as "THE ADVICE".)
"Having been working since their childhood, my parents often shared their social experience with me such as appropriate manners as well as positive attitude toward life. "
Ive always been told that you want to be as unique as possible when writing your UC essay. So try to stress other elements of life other than the obvious manners and attitude:)
I also think that your essay is a bit simplistic. The subject of the essay is actually pretty darn good but try to "beef up" the essay by improving sentence structure and add some complexity to your essay.
Ex. "At September 2003, my family arrived to America."... grammatically wrong (I think)
overall, I think you have some time so try to add depth to this essay but the topic in general is great. SO GOOD LUCK!
The journey of my life has been quite interesting while comparing in comparison with the lives of my peers. I grew up with.
...to support the family since age eleven.
At September 2003, my family arrived in to America.
During the first two years in America, I had learned the true definition of freedom not just politically but the freedom of life.---This is a great sentence, and I think you should write more about how this affects your decision about what professional field you will enter.
After a series of arguments with my parents and a graduation ceremony, I reported to the boot camp in San Diego at June 2006. During my four years in service, I had been was deployed to Iraq in 2007 and Afghanistan in 2009.
I hope you add more discussion of what kind of psychology you want to practice and what goals you have for the kind of work you will do... work with families? Addicts? Military? Maybe research? What professional journal articles have you read? Discuss areas of specialization in psych, and they will know how serious you are about it.
