My response
Coasting down the highway, it was mid-February and school was out for a six day break. Eager to reach my destination, I began my excursion from Atlanta to Evanston, relishing in every mile gained along the boundless highway. 734 miles separated me from Northwestern University's beautiful snow covered, suburban campus. On the second day of my journey, I reached Chicago's metropolitan area and upon spotting the famous museums and attractions I was jolted from my haze of worn cement and white lines. "Yes," I exclaimed, fishing through the depth of my bag to find directions to navigate the unfamiliar streets of Chicago.
Eventually, I reached Evanston-Wildcat territory. As a high school junior, one individual among a mass of prospective students, I hoped to obtain information about the curriculum offered at Northwestern. However, I acquired so much more. During the information session, as an admissions representative described the schools that make up Northwestern, I resolved to spend my next four years wearing Northwestern purple and exploring my passions for Political Science and Psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences. Subsequently, I became captivated by the benefits of the quarter system, an unheard of approach to the academic calendar to me. Nevertheless, the quarter system, granting the ability to focus on courses in quarters rather than having to juggle five to six classes a semester, quickly became an asset in my college search. Moreover, I perceived the quarter system to be a medium for autonomy as well as a benefit to students interested in double majoring.
At the session's close, my curiosity drew me towards a mass of purple and white information sheets. Among these pages two headings caught my attention: Psychology and Law and Psychology and Health Professions. Contemplating both law and medicine as future professions, I became curious to learn how Northwestern linked these academic disciplines, so to quell my inquiring mind I collected a copy of both sheets and joined the campus tour. The tour guide's reverence when elaborating on the campus traditions of painting the rock, "Dillo Day" and NUDM compelled me to want to take part in tradition, or even initiate one of my own. Therefore, as my feet crunched against the snow, I imagined myself as a Northwestern undergraduate achieving academic success, engaging in revolutionary research, studying abroad, living in themed housing, and attending football games. I imagined myself as a Wildcat.
Please Help, I know some of it is awkward. Rip it apart if need be. Also I promise to read your essay
Whenever I comment, I tend to focus more on content, and this, was great. I like how you talk about your journey to Chicago, my hometown, and especially Evanston (almost 10 minutes away from me). I have to say, I understand your concern for awkwardness, but in someways it adds character to the essay...I use awkwardness in my essays too.
All in all --it looks great, I especially like your ending!
"Yes!" I exclaimed - try an exclamation point for emphasis.
Subsequently, I became captivated by the benefits of the quarter system, an unheard of approach to the academic calendar. Nevertheless, the quarter system benefited my interest in double majoring. It granted me the ability to focus on courses in quarters rather than having to juggle five to six classes a semester. (I simplified it, you can add autonomy in there somewhere).
I like how you described your Northwestern visit as a journey. Maybe you could expand on Northwestern's Psychology and Law and Psychology and Health Professions and how this could relate to your desire to double major and how only Northwestern had this.
Edit my ND supplement essays please, thanks!
exploring my passions for Political Science and Psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences.
You could drop a proff name or course that looks interesting in here just to show off a little bit.
I can clearly see why NW is good for you. Now tell me why you are good for NW. What do you bring to the campus? Had an experience that makes the quarter system perfect for you? You like alot of things very quickly?
Make this essay sound like a two way bridge. You need NW and NW needs you. If space becomes an issue, cut out the first paragraph. You don't need it very much.
fishing through the depth of my bag - just say fishing through my bag.
my inquiring mind I collectedby a copy
to want to take part in these traditions
Therefore, as my feet crunched against the snow, I imagined myself as a Northwestern undergraduate achieving academic success, engaging in revolutionary research, studying abroad, living in themed housing, and attending football games. I imagined myself as a Wildcat.
nice ending
Coasting down the highway, it was mid-February and school was out for a six day break.- i would rearrange this sentence.
I will come back with more edits soon. Please read my Northwester essay.
"Contemplating both law and medicine as future professions, I became curious to learn how Northwestern linked these academic disciplines, so to quell my inquiring mind I collected a copy of both sheets and joined the campus tour." I feel like the detail of getting the two copies isn't that important/necessary. If you want to show your interest about that, you can talk about what you hope to do with the profession at NU/beyond, but collecting the sheets seems like a trite detail.
"...compelled me to want to take part in tradition, or..." the word tradition here doesn't sound quite right.
"Therefore, as my feet crunched against the snow, I imagined myself as a Northwestern undergraduate..." I think 'therefore' is not the right word here. you were talking about how you want to participate in their tradition/start your own, but i dont think that is why you imaged yourself at NU. slight disconnect.
And I think the first paragraph is a nice intro and very descriptive/pretty, but you could make it a lot shorter because it really doesn't answer the prompt. Focus more on the school/its qualities and less on the narrative. :)
Good job and good luck! I'm applying to NU too. :) (and if you can, i'd love to hear your feedback for my brown supplement)
Any advice? I will read your essay
WONDERFUL! i love it. you have a great voice but one thing i would suggest is that although a sophisticated vocabulary is key to promoting yourself, use that with a mix of common terms and phrases that appeal to the reader to help them better relate.
famous museums and attractions, I was jolted from my haze of worn cement and white lines- i get that you are alluding to the highway but will the admissions person get that? make it a little more clear.
"Yes!" I exclaimed, while fishing
Moreover , as an admissions representative
described the individual schools within Northwestern
resolved to spend my next four years wearing Northwestern purple and exploring my passion for Political Science and Psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences. royal purple
A medium for autonomy, the quarter system, not only augmented my interest in pursuing a double major, but also set Northwestern apart during my college search.- are you sure you meant to use augmented here? solidifyed maybe
Therefore , thirsting for more knowledge about NU, I discovered that inWeinberg College undergraduates receive a well rounded education under dedicated academic advisors and renowned professors, while taking interesting courses such as: Public Opinion and Voting Behavior, Political Parties and Elections, and Psychology of Personality.
In such courses, I could easily see myself initiating passionate debates and posing difficult questions. - give an example of a debate you might start. Examples make an essay more concrete.
Eventually, I reached Evanston-Wildcat territory. As a high school junior, one individual among a mass of prospective students, I only hoped to learn about the curriculum offered at Northwestern; however, I found so much more.
I read through your essay, I just found a tiny grammar mistake! But I think it flows fine! I really enjoyed reading this essay and you show your passion really well!
Thanks but do you this it follows the prompt or should I add more to show what I can do at northwestern?
I think it follows the prompt well. You give sufficient information that who you are comes across. I love your beginning because I think it really makes it interesting right from the beginning. I think you have a great approach to the prompt.
I would suggest making the following minor changes:
At the close of the information session, among as mass of purple and white information..
Whereas the tour seized my attention, the tour guide's reverence when describing campus traditions such as painting the rock, "Dillo Day," and NUDM that compelled me to want to take part in these traditions, or even initiate one of my own.
Your essay has really improved with all the edits! Good Luck & Happy New Year.
Could you please look at my Harvard Supplement I would really appreciate your creative input :)
