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"Journey to be oneself; I understand the risks" - LMU (is this intro too much?)


moa110 2 / 4  
Jan 13, 2011   #1
Do you think this intro is overdoing it? Any other comments on the rest of the essay would be a huge help too! thanks!

Statement: At a recent Commencement Mass, LMU's former President, Fr. Robert Lawton, S.J. said: ''So what is the answer to this deep insecurity we all feel? The answer, I think, is to embrace the adventure of becoming deeply, and fully, ourselves. This is what God is really calling us to. It seems like the riskiest of all journeys, this journey to be one self. But it's ultimately the journey that leads us to happiness, that leads us into God's dreams for us."

Question: Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys? What risks lie ahead as you embark on your college career, and the ''adventure'' of discovering and becoming yourself?

A man walks along a chilly shore. He can feel the cool water at his feet. At first he is hesitant, he is not sure where this will take him. At this time, he is blindfolded. But he hears something. He hears people are already in the water. He gives in. He slowly goes in, but he cannot see he is gradually going in deeper and deeper. He follows the voices that are still in the water. He knows he is getting closer and closer, but suddenly, the voices are gone. He cannot see, he cannot hear, his head is underwater. He has gone too far. His body is begging for oxygen. He asks himself how he got here, but it's all a blur. He pushes himself up to grasp a breath of air. Something is different now. He sees the sun shining in the sky. His blindfold is gone, he can see. He sees a glimpse of the shore, but the tide keeps pulling him away. He tries to swim against it, but the tide seems too strong. He wonders if he has the strength to overcome. He considers giving up, throwing it all away, going where the tide takes him. But he knows where he wants to go; he can see it clearly. He looks up and takes a deep breath. He knows it won't be easy, but he keeps his head up, his eyes open, his ears aware, and swims towards the shore, never looking back.

In his homily, Fr. Lawton brings up a good point, that to overcome insecurity, we must be ready to accept our true selves. But this is not always an easy task. There are many obstacles and barriers to overcome. Whether it is acceptance, rejection, support, or opposition, there will be challenges in our journeys. I have seen these challenges myself.

I started my journey when I was an eighth grader. I learned music at an earlier age, but by eighth grade it was a big part of my life. But this was somewhat of a problem. None of my friends shared the same musical interest. While I was at home playing my guitar all day, my friends were home playing video games together online. They grew closer as friends and I was still "the one who plays guitar", after all, that was who I wanted to be; wasn't it? My friends were slowly drifting away, we didn't have as much in common as we used to. They played basketball; I played songs. They tried to beat high score records; I played them on my dad's old record player. I loved music, but things were no longer the same. We had been friends since kindergarten, and it seemed like that was about to come to an end. I tried to fit in, but something wasn't right. I didn't know how to nail a jump shot or how to throw a spiral, but I knew other things, things that I was interested. It was tough, but I realized that I had to do what was best for me. I accepted who I was. As we grew older we actually grew even closer as friends. I tried to teach them an instrument and they taught me how to actually play basketball. There were obstacles in my journey, but I did what made me happiest and it paid off eventually.

As I continue my journey into college, I understand the risks. I know that not everyone will be on my side. However, this does not make me uneasy. I have grown to recognize that struggle will only make you better. Fr. Lawton says the answer to our insecurities is to embrace becoming our true selves. After all, to accept others we must first accept ourselves. I think we feel this insecurity because we are not being honest with ourselves. Out of all people, the one person I should always be the most honest with is myself. I cannot be honest with someone else, while I lie to myself everyday. That is the first step. Be sincere with yourself, with your dreams. One of my teachers once told me, that sometimes things don't go our way, but you must ask your self "Would I have done anything differently if I had the chance?" I did what made me happy and chose to follow my dreams, regardless of the support or opposition. Sometimes the journey is not a smooth one. Sometimes it is out of your control. If you live your life to the fullest, being honest with your self, your insecurities will start to disappear. And from there on the road on your journey will pave itself for you.

Fr. Lawton brought up an important topic to think about during this time in my life. The journey to be oneself is not as easy as it seems. It is sometimes a risky choice. I knew who I wanted to be, but I was swimming against the tide. I didn't have support from my peers. I could have thrown it all away. I questioned my strength, but I knew where I wanted to be. I know the journey ahead of me won't be easy. But I'm looking up; taking a deep breath; continuing my journey, ready to discover what lies ashore.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 17, 2011   #2
At this time, he is blindfolded.---You could change this sentence slightly to let the reader know if someone blindfolds him at this moment or if he has been blindfolded while walking. Any uncertainty diminishes the reader's experience.

That intro... you have a sense that it might be "overdoing it," and I know what you mean. It is great writing, and even though I was only one sip into my coffee the essay put me on full alert; enthralling. But it might "overdo" something. If I was writing this essay, I would try to give that whole intro in 50% of the words and then end the intro paragraph with a sentence about Fr.. Lawton. i.e. to start to answer their prompt question.

They tried to beat high score records; I played them on my dad's old record player. ---This is a great sentence. I bet you experimented with a lot of different ways to word it.

Is there a sentence in this essay that, in a straightforward way, gives an answer to the question about why this challenge is riskiest?

:-)


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