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"my journey to success" - Personal Statement University of Washington


dendenbata 1 / -  
Feb 8, 2011   #1
The personal statement should be a comprehensive essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

Suggested length is 750 to 1000 words. Click the arrows for details.

My Concerns

1.) Is my intro cliche? Should I write a new one?
2.) Conclusion.
3.) I only stated that I picked UW because it is the only school that offered Informatics in my area. I do not want to lie, that is the main reason I really picked University of Washington. The other reason is I think UW is a good public school and a cheap in state school.\

4.) Overall essay. Grammar and etc.

Help me. Please and Thank You!

My Personal Statement

Success is dogged by the choices and changes that we construct in life. An accomplishment has its way of casting itself on individuals. The journey to success will always be a bumpy ride. The highway of life has its twists and turns and no two pathways are the same. Our success comes from the journey, not the destination.

As a child, I have been always interested in technology especially computers. Everyday my father would always teach me about computers, how to use paint, how to use notepad and other basic concept. My father also taught me how to play my very first computer game, Starcraft. Children my age would play tag, hide and seek with other children while I was playing with my father and my uncles. Sometimes other children would tell me that computers are boring and I would not benefit from it. I did not listen to them and continue doing what makes me happy. My father motivated me to learn more about computers; unfortunately, he passed away when I was eight years old.

Growing up in the city of Manila, Philippines, I was exposed to technology. Despite all this, I was in need of a motivation to learn more about computers. In Don Bosco Technical College, where I started my education until High School, has a special program that when you reach your junior year you have the choice of picking your technical inclination to be your class until your senior year. I chose Information Technology. Here I learned how computers was used in the past, how it is use in the present and how will it be applied in the future in different ways that I have never imagined. Here is where I learned that computers are used everywhere, from streetlights to cell phones, how games are made, how it is used in business, education and many more. This was my time of discovery, I was discovering more about computers and more about myself.

During my fourth year of high school, I applied and got admitted to Mapua Institute of Technology, one of the technical schools in my country, majoring in Information Technology. Here I thought my life is going well and is in the right path, until the day I received awful news. Four months before my graduation, my mother has decided to marry again and move to the United States. This was a living nightmare for me. I know that the United States has better opportunities, but I was afraid of change, I did not want change. I was contented of what I have, but I had no choice. I had to leave everything, my friends, high school graduation and the college that I got admitted to. It was not easy for me to leave during one of the most important year of my life. This made me lose sight of who I am.

Arriving in Seattle, Washington was one of the most depressing days of my life. I cannot bear the idea that I am here, that I already left everything that I thought was going to be part of my future. Everything was different. We lived in a small apartment in Rainier Avenue which most people consider as a ghetto. I always hear police sirens and heard that someone died in the same apartment we lived at. This is not the kind of home I would want to live at. My mother enrolled me at Rainier Beach High School as an eleventh grade student. I had to repeat junior and senior year of high school again because of the different educational system between my country and the United States. Communication was also a hinder, although I know how to fully understand English, speaking it was never easy. I was culture shocked and overwhelmed by everything that was happening. This made me sulk and decided not to attend school for two whole weeks. Doing nothing for two weeks made me think about change. I told myself what is the point of putting your head face down when everything we see and feel are temporary. I will not be bent and will not be dragged along by the sadness I felt. I will not let depression have its way. I am going to find myself and bring back the path I was taking. I have finally and happily accepted change.

As I liberate myself from the void, I found myself following the same path I left during my high school in the Philippines. I was finally doing what I am supposed to be doing. As I finish my junior year and entered my senior year in Rainier Beach High School, I have found a program called Running Start. I looked up information about the program and took the opportunity to advance in my studies. It felt great that I was in college now. I spent my first year at Seattle Central Community College while finishing up my high school requirement at the same time. It was not an easy task, but I persevered and I finally graduated high school in June 2010. As my second year of college comes in, I looked up for four year colleges that offered "Information Technology" as a major so I can find out what pre requisites I need. I noticed that most colleges here in Washington do not offer it as one whole major unlike in my country. Washington offers different areas of Information Technology and I was unsure what to take. As I research about what I want to take, I found Informatics as a given major and also only offered in University of Washington. Informatics is the art and science of information that defines and shapes our world. This is what I was looking for. As I am about to partake the next part of my journey in my life, I will do my best not only to finish college but to excel. University of Washington will be a big part in my journey to success.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 10, 2011   #2
The journey to success will always be a bumpy ride.

I think this part is a cliche. Maybe it is better without this sentence.

Every d ay my father ...

Capitalize:
...would always teach me about computers, how to use Paint , how to use Notepad and other basic concepts .

Do not capitalize high school:
until High School, has a special ...

Here I learned how computers was were used in the past, how they are used in the present, and how they will be applied in the future in different ways that I have never imagined.

This is not the kind of home I would want. to live at.

My mother enrolled me at Rainier Beach High School as an ...----In this case, it is good that you capitalized high school.

The ending is great. You should look over the essay and see what messages it sends. Is there another sentence you can add to the intro paragraph that will help tell the message of the essay? I think the intro paragraph is great, but the philosophical stuff should be said in as few words as possible, and you should add concrete statements about your aspirations and intentions... so that at the end of the first paragraph the reader knows the message of the essay.

:-)


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