I knew I needed to write in some additional information about my circumstances for the common application in order to get better, and perhaps necessary, consideration from some of the schools I was applying to. I attempted to write an essay explaining my interest in learning and the strength of my moral character to hopefully reconcile some issues with my grades. On an editorial note, the essay is 36 words above the limit, so any suggestions to shorten it would be appreciated. Thanks to any readers and critiquers in advance.
The Prompt
Please provide an answer below if you wish to provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application. You may enter up to 650 words
The Essay
I'd like to use this space to offer a look at the numerical representation of myself on this application under the light of my character, to hopefully explain any inconsistencies that the reviewer may spy and show my unique merits as a student. The foremost point I'd like to make in arguing for my own praise, is that I view education not as a competition to prove that I am any more capable than any other student, but as a process through which I can enjoy an expansive knowledge about the world and hopefully improve my moral standing in the universe. I like to say a wise mind is a beautifully decisive mind. This means that I wish to ceaselessly learn about the world around me so that I can form new ideas about its machinations and through these insights help my fellow man on his journeys of learning and his conquests of the heart, so that he might achieve ever greater joys. Additionally, I have a large propensity for both debate and poetry, both passions assist in forming a web, connecting all of the disparate pieces of knowledge into one fine tapestry. These logical and metric pursuits enable me to organize my findings in an eclectic, but not mutually exclusive manner; I am able to share both orally and scripturally the findings I have. Yet the inability of communication to offer a perfect form of transcription offers me ever further obstacles to vault. Through the lens of academics, arcane starlight is focused, shining bright on the pages of truth; I'd scarce like to obfuscate this immaculate glass informant.
Yet there are some pitfalls to this philosophy; for myself, as any dreamer, the mundane can prove challenging. Since I desire above all else to enrich my character, learning becomes a very personal task for me, my education, however, is not situated in such a manner that I might pace myself to achieve the rigor that I desire. Consequently, I fall prey to bouts of apathy and disorganization when faced with menial assignments; my grades tend to suffer because worksheets and their rote ilk often escape my mind's priorities. Yet it is not the simple loathing of the gifted that composes my reluctance, the merits of my character explain this phenomenon more aptly. I am often antagonized by the greed of many of my peers, who fatigue themselves with the many trivial assignments that are meted out to the masses, simply in an attempt to prove their superiority. However, I seek only to augment my kinship, to learn the ways of the world in order to reach new heights in ethical acumen; I wish to challenge myself for my betterment and do not want to participate in barbaric warfare against my community; profits are best dealt in joy and not sanguine gold.
To this end, I believe that higher education will be a more welcoming environment for me. I, with a joyous heart, anticipate the myriad trials that I will be put through when I enter into college for the first time and the innumerable more to follow. I have no doubts that upon entering an establishment that exists for personal betterment rather than embattlement with state standards and alienated peers, I shall excel in my studies and hopefully bring my delight in moral questioning to the community so that all may benefit from my learning and I shall not be so concerned with appearing unfailingly pristine on a piece of paper, that I am bereft of personal dignity. Therefore, I hope that to whomever reads this dissertation, my words do not nebulate my character. I should not like to appear so pompous as to alienate anyone. Sophistication, like all things, gravitates towards its ilk and scarce but complex words can describe a complex character. Perhaps the only truth is through petition, so I request that the reader of this document consider me in high regard not only to bridge the lingual gap and let my words be proven through action, but so that I may continue: to succeed, to learn, to fly with ever greater grace.
I feel like there is not enough specific examples in your essay, and some sentences sounds not smooth enough. If you take nice phrases from exemple essays, try to revise a little bit to fit your own essay.
Nocholas, the main problem with your essay is that the message is not clear. It is almost as if you took a thesaurus and let it explode all over the page. The essay is tremendously wordy and uses numerous big words that do not really help to clarify or present the idea you wish to put across. Here is a tip that I always give my students: use simple words. There is no need to impress the academic officer with the use of confusing vocabulary words which you may or may not be using properly. Since the issue you wish to discuss in this matter is your grade in relation with your love for learning, then do just that. If your grades are low even though you are studious, then explain why that is so. You need to clearly state the case you are presenting in this essay and why. Right now, it sounds like you are trying to write the great English novel without any clear concept. Keep it simple. Don't try to pass yourself off as a high brow intellectual. Your grades and other documents submitted with your application should be able to prove that. Revise the overall essay and present yourself as a student with a deep interest and love for learning. No more, no less.
Thank you for the feedback. I believe that was my foremost concern regarding the style of this essay, both my manner of speech and my writing style tend to be quite verbose. The words and the phrasing came rather naturally, even if they do seem too pretentious or archaic. I will have a look at what I can simplify, but that may prove challenging. I feel that the words are apt and follow my own unique style, but I can certainly understand how it may come off as unclear. I'll take a strike at it to see what I can do.
