"judgement awaited me" - Boston University essay 1

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

It is remarkable to step outside of yourself and really ponder on the positive qualities that you have rather than working tirelessly trying to mold yourself into the image of what others believe you should be. For me, having a profound objective view of myself has given me insight on my strengths. I now understand that as a devoted, responsible, and persistent individual, I have much to offer to my family, friends, and the BU community.

I never thought I would be as devoted as I am today. After all growing up was so easy. I jumped from one activity to the next. It seemed to me that everything was a breeze. I never spent more than an hour on homework and never had to worry about time. In truth, there was nothing that I passionately clung on to other than fun activities, watching television faithfully, and playing outside with my friends. Yet with each passing year, I learned that I was no longer a child and realized that success did not lie in the hands of the remote or the playground. After having to see that F on a test, I called myself to action. It was time to go to extra help and open that biology textbook and actually study. When I realized that I wasn't a music prodigy, I made sure I took that clarinet home to practice until the squeaks transformed into music. There was only one remedy to being successful at these things-devotion. My F's had now become A's, I had risen as a 1st chair clarinetist in the wind ensemble, and was even able too spend two summers at research programs manipulating gene function in fruit flies and nematodes in hopes of making innovative connections to mammalian systems. In a college setting being devoted takes patience, perseverance, and time management skills all of which ...I possess??(don't know if I should put this)

Bring the essay full circle by tying in BU ..complement the intro still trying to conclude this

Wayy too presumptuous. Honestly, when they read your essay, they will think of you as a nobody, until you can prove otherwise. And this statement WILL MAKE THEM THINK OF YOU AS A ARROGANT BRAT.


Are you mother theresa? Don't try to sound like a philanthropist, when you are clearly an immature (pardon the word, but that's how admission officers consider ALL OF US) teenager not yet in college.


The mother again...honestly, unless you are a 30 year-old applying for college, I really can't picture you as a mother. Perhaps as the "serious" student council president, but definitely NOT a mother. You don't have the credential to say that.

Procrastination has taught me that if I work hard, I can play later. - nice reverse psychology here.


You're too hardworking... have you heard of one of the mistakes NOT to do when applying for a job? Never say: I can't help it, I just work too hard. Do you know how hard these admission officers work this period of time? they have to pretty much read thousands and thousands of essays A DAY. don't remind them of too much hard work.

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Alright, the good news, you answered the prompt. You did provide three adjectives. However, no support. We learn that you are motherly because you help others...so? I help others too, am I fatherly?

again, never say too hardworking. Simply saying that you are a very responsible person is fair enough, support that by examples of your hard work in school and such

Finally, last paragraph has 0 concrete examples. You are ambitious. HOW? The doubt thing is very confusing, and ambitious doesn't mean overcoming doubt. Ambition is a vision, big dreams. Talk about them.

O also, problems with quotes and punctuations. Get a review from a teacher before you submit.

thank you for the constructive criticism . I have a loot of revising to do

This is what I have so far. Am I off to a good start?

I never thought I would be as devoted as I am today. After all growing up was so easy. I jumped from one activity to the next. It seemed to me that everything was a breeze. I never spent more than an hour on homework and never had to worry about time. - wordy, try to reduce that to a couple of sentences, after all it's not your main point.

In a college setting being devoted takes patience, perseverance, and time management skills all of which ...I possess??(don't know if I should put this)

- I possess the patience, perseverance, and time management qualities that are required to succeed in college.
- with my p, p, tm qualities, I believe that I would thrive in a college environment.

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Try varying your sentences. Combine a couple maybe?
Also, this time, you did provide many examples, but the reader doesn't see how it links to your point.
SAY: MY DEVOTION IS SHOWN THROUGH... and I AM RESPONSIBLE BECAUSE... and THIS DEMONSTRATES MY PERSISTENCE.
(The conclusion has to echo your intro, so instaed of the patience and time management, put devotion and responsibility)

This type of structure might be a bit too straightforward, but unless you can provide a story or something that cleverly incorporate all the things you want to talk about, it's better to be straightforward than confusing.