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"on jumping" - difficulty and achievement, Amherst Supplement Prompt 5


ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
This is the prompt I chose:
"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted." (Personal response required)
This is my first draft, so I know it's not very good :(

We were earning strange looks from passers-by. I figured standing on the riverbank at half past seven in the morning, donning T-shirts in late October, did seem slightly out of season. Reminiscing, I gazed at the two ropes that would be used in our pre-breakfast activity: double dutch.

The idea for our group film assignment had hit me almost instantly. I had traveled to Switzerland that summer, where I earned an enthusiasm for double dutch. At the end of the program, I had vowed to my friends there to bring the sport back to my hometown and share it. This was the opportunity to introduce this alien activity to my hometown, Kochi. I proposed the idea, and our scenarios began to dance into motion. Or so we hoped. The fact was, our fivesome had hardly jumped two ropes before. I myself was no professional. Which led us to our morning practice and filming in pursuit of mastering the ways of the ropes.

As time passed, we slowly got the hang of it. The turners' hands synced in motion, and the jumpers gained a spring as they skipped between the ropes. Our filming proceeded with the usual bloopers, and the occasional "forgot to press the REC button". I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.

The last day of filming was a memorable one. After a total of thirty-two takes for the last scene, we succeeded in the jump, raising jubilant banshee wails among us. As the faint sound of the first school bell rang in the distance, we mounted our bikes with a sense of accomplishment in our guts.

I really think my concluding paragraph needs more work. I just feel like my essay's lacking something. Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
blackpixel23 19 / 46  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
1. I'm confused about what you're filming for. A school project? A competition? Make it more clear in the first sentence of your second paragraph.

2.

The fact was, our fivesome had hardly jumped two ropes before. I myself was no professional. Which led us to our morning practice and filming in pursuit of mastering the ways of the ropes.

The problem is that this is your only mention ever of difficulties during this entire essay and they don't seem like very big obstacles at all. Expand more on them.

3.

The idea for our group film assignment had hit me almost instantly. I had traveled to Switzerland that summer, where I earned an enthusiasm for double dutch. At the end of the program, I had vowed to my friends there to bring the sport back to my hometown and share it. This was the opportunity to introduce this alien activity to my hometown, Kochi. I proposed the idea, and our scenarios began to dance into motion. Or so we hoped.

You can cut down alot of this description. It provides good context but shouldn't take so much space.

4.

As time passed, we slowly got the hang of it. The turners' hands synced in motion, and the jumpers gained a spring as they skipped between the ropes. Our filming proceeded with the usual bloopers, and the occasional "forgot to press the REC button". I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.
The last day of filming was a memorable one. After a total of thirty-two takes for the last scene, we succeeded in the jump, raising jubilant banshee wails among us. As the faint sound of the first school bell rang in the distance, we mounted our bikes with a sense of accomplishment in our guts.

I'm assuming that this part right here is where you describe your accomplishment.

I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.

I like this part right here. Maybe expand about how it felt to convince your friends to join this project.

It's a good idea but I don't think you present your difficulties and accomplishments strongly enough.
OP ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thanks a lot!! Yeah, I realized that I didn't tell enough. I definitely need more work on that.
This is my revised version: exactly 300 words. Please tell me what you think of it, and point out any grammatical errors.

We were earning strange looks from passers-by. I figured standing on the riverbank at seven-thirty a.m., donning T-shirts in late October, did seem slightly out of season. Reminiscing, I gazed at the two ropes that would be used in our pre-breakfast activity: Double Dutch.

The idea for our school film project had hit me almost instantly. Double Dutch. No-one in Kochi was doing it. This was the opportunity to introduce this alien activity to my hometown. I proposed the idea to my friends, and our scenarios began to dance into motion.

Or so we hoped. The fact was, our fivesome had hardly jumped two ropes before. I myself was no professional. Which led us to our morning practice and filming in pursuit of mastering this sport. To start with, the ropes kept clashing. A little raincloud hung over us as we wondered if even jumping in would be a possibility. We turned, we hopped, we fell in a tangled mass of nylon.

However, as time passed, we slowly got the hang of it. The turners' hands synched in motion, and the jumpers gained a spring as they skipped between the ropes. Our filming proceeded with the occasional bloopers and "forgot to press the REC button". I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.

The last day of filming was a memorable one. After a total of thirty-two takes for the last scene, we succeeded in the jump, raising jubilant banshee wails among us. We had managed to pick up an activity from scratch and mold it into a film. As the first school bell rang faintly in the distance, we mounted our bikes with a sense of accomplishment in our guts.
aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
hey, it's a pretty nice essay !!

though I said I wanted to help you with yours, I guess I can't find any mistakes or criticisms... :)
well... if I would say one thing, maybe you can write more about how difficult it was, what made it difficult or how you felt it. I could clearly imagine and felt how happy you were, and it's really good thing, but maybe you can focus on the difficulties as blackpixel23 said :)
OP ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Hey! Thanks for helping me out :)
Hmm, I'm already at 300 words...if I want to elaborate on the difficulties, which parts do you think I should cut out? The last two paragraphs? I'm not sure to what extent I should talk about the difficulties.
aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
yeah, I know,,,,

you know, it's still wonderful I think. You don't really have to do like what I said, caz it's good essay, indeed.

oh,,,, yeah I'm still thinking but it's really difficult.

does anybody have an idea???


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