Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
My essay:
Hey Roomate!
You probably have been informed that you are going to share a room with a "Kaustubh Desai". Wait, don't evade pronouncing it. It is Kaustubh as in "Kilo Alpha Uniform Sierra Tango Uniform Bravo Hotel". Anyways, people just call me KD.
Although I respond to both aliases with the same spirit, they represent two totally different aspects of my identity. I consider Kaustubh to be my intellectual personality - one that is focused, driven and disciplined. This is the part of me that will strive to submit all the assignments on time and will indulge in rigorous preparation before an exam.
KD is the more outgoing and genial person who values relationships and bonding more than anything else. This is the part of me that constantly bows in gratitude for everything life has bestowed upon me; the part which values smiles over bills and the part that will provide a warm shoulder to those in need without fail.
If you ever [(open)] my iPod, you will be greeted by a plethora of songs you may have never heard of before. I listen to a lot of [(uncommon)] artists for their compositions are pure, unpolluted and not motivated by avarice. They produce music for the sole beauty of it and not to earn the artificial Grammies. And, please don't be surprised if you see me playing table-tennis with a soccer ball on my study desk; I am devoted fan of Manchester United and Sharath Kamal.
I am confident that we share a mutual commitment towards achieving academic excellence during our college years. While I may seem odd at first because of my unusual preferences and thick accent, I'll grow on you like [(Facebook does on its new users.)]
Your new best friend,
KD.
P.S. Did I mention that I am immune to artificial awaking systems? I guess you will have to function as my new alarm clock.
the words that have [(XXX)] around them don't quite fit into the tone of the essay. I would request you to suggest some alternatives for them. :))
Any and every piece of criticism is invited. Thank You so much in advance. :))
nice job. You don't need to add the facebook part, it seems unnecessary.
Right off the bat, I could tell you added a lot of personality into this essay. That's a good thing since this is supposed to give an introduction of yourself. From this essay, one could tell that you are friendly and you have a sense of humor. Might I give a small suggestion? In your sentence:
If you ever [(open)] my iPod, you will be greeted by a plethora of songs you may have never heard of before.
I don't quite see how one can "open" an iPod. Maybe "explore" is a better word? Or "scroll down"?
Overall, this is a fun and personalized essay. I also love how you incorporated your culture into it.
Hope this helps and best of luck! :)
Midori, thank you so much for your kind words. :))
I waited for like 10 hours to get a review.
And this might just be the assurance I needed.
I like that you showed how you're more than academics. Nice job.
Very nice essay, I like how you showed two sides of you. I can tell you added a lot of personality to your essay, specially about your music. How about "I listen to a lot of undiscovered artists _______" ?
One suggestion:
maybe say of myself, not identity. Here's why:
The beginning is so wonderfully unique and direct, that something that appears in every second essay like aspects of my identiy
is a little off.
Before you get to the ipod your essay is perfect, but then you do not use a transition.
maybe browse my ipod
and the facebook part does not fit there. You do not need some witty comparison at this point anymore, you are just trying to be sympathetic.
And thank you very much for reading my essay.
This is really good, I definitely feel like I get to know you better by reading this. I agree that you don't need the part about Facebook though.
I really like the Kaustubh Desai/KD part and how you show two sides of you represented by something concrete, but I think you should probably try to add some sort of transition after that part.
