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'Keep moving forward' - Transfer: Introduce your self to Penn


anstjswls 2 / 2  
Mar 7, 2012   #1
short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

Keep moving forward - this motto has shaped my identity. When my peers settled at one place, I moved with my family to the unpopulated Korean mountains and learned the survival skills in the wild. I gained the adventurer's spirits during my childhood. When I turned 15, I went to the United States purely motivated by curiosity. And I enjoyed the challenges, thrills, and excitement that I would get while living with the daily farmers in northern Michigan and another year with a middle-class American family in Vermont.

After my freshman year in college, I chose to fulfill the military service. Throughout the dynamic, rollercoaster-like experiences in the military society, I matured. I learned how to control myself. Now is the time to return to the school, and I greatly desire to immerge myself into the academics and prepare for the more challenging adventure: the real world. My new journey will continue.

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I would greatly appreciate if you can make some corrections and give me some ideas regarding the flow and contents.
Thanks everyone

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Mar 8, 2012   #2
While my peers settled in one place, I moved with my family to the unpopulated Korean mountains and learned the survival skills in the wild.

I gained an adventurer's spirits during my childhood.

When I turned 15, I went to the United States, purely motivated by curiosity.

And I enjoyed the challenges, thrills, and excitement that I would get while living with the dairy farmers in northern Michigan and another year with a middle-class American family in Vermont.

. Now is the time to return to the school, and I greatly desire to immerse myself into the academics and prepare for the more challenging adventure: the real world. My new journey will continue.

:)
dreamer 3 / 18  
Mar 10, 2012   #3
Hi! The content is solid and the length is good. It answers the prompt well, as you have given more than just a glimpse into your past and how it shaped you!

Just a few suggestions:

After my freshman year in college, I...

...prepare for a more challenging adventure: the real world.

:)
And I second all the corrections Susan has pointed out ^
Good luck!


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