Ketchup is the most wonderful condiments in the world. Nothing can go wrong when you add ketchup to it, not even that brick of a meatloaf a family friend brings to a dinner. There are many reasons why it's so great. One: it has a wonderful color; red that can brighten anything, even the dreaded broccoli. Two: Ketchup has a conglomerating taste that works well with any food. In the same sense, the world from which I come from has the same aspects that make ketchup great; great color (atmosphere) in the city and a wonderful community at school.
Plano, Texas is one of the most prosperous towns in the nation. Aside from the economy, culture thrives in this city like rabbit in Australia. Every month, the city has public activities planned for the amusement of its residents. As a National Honors Society member, I volunteer at many of these occasions and end up staying after my shifts to enjoy myself. The most popular gathering is the Plano Balloon Festival at which I both attended and worked. Bearing the atmosphere of a fair, the festival allows visitors to participate in a myriad of activities from eating to jumping in jump houses. As a grand finale, dozens of passenger bearing hot air balloons are released followed by spectacular fireworks. At the end of the night, everyone leaves exhausted, happy, and loaded with freebies.
In addition to the grandiose cultural atmosphere it bears, Plano also has the best public high schools in the nation. My high school, Plano Senior High School (PSHS), has a great student body committee that allows everyone to feel like he or she is an active part of the school. For instance, PSHS has over 30 clubs and organizations on campus, ranging from anime club to the Academic Decathlon; everyone can find a club that suits his or her interests. Over the past school year, my friends and I formed the first ever Art Club on campus and arranged meeting that attracted dozens of members with our interesting activities and excursions. Furthermore, organizations such as the Student Counsel and Student Congress allow my fellow classmates to take part in how the school is run. Recently, our senior class president was selected solely on the votes of students with no administrative interference. This practice, along with our broad range of activities allows every student to achieve his or her best in academics as well as feeling great about the school and having fun.
For me, ketchup's popularity rests on its color and ability to work well with other foods. These characteristics model the community from which I come from. A great atmosphere of culture and wonderful surroundings at school are all revealed as I reflect upon my city. I hope that my admission to UCLA will allow me to bring these qualities to the school and its surroundings.
winstonli
Ketchup is the most wonderful condiment in the world. Nothing can go wrong when you add ketchup to it, not even that brick of a meatloaf a family friend brings to a dinner. There are many reasons why it's so great. One: it has a wonderful color: red that can brighten anything, even the dreaded broccoli. (ketchup on broccoli????????? Two: Ketchup has a conglomerating (seems like you used a thesaurus for this word) taste that works well with any food. In the same sense, the world from which I come from has the same aspects that make ketchup great: great color (atmosphere) in the city and a wonderful community at school. ( sort of an iffy comparison)
This listing thing right here isn't cutting it for me
Plano, Texas is one of the most prosperous towns in the nation. Aside from the economy, culture thrives in this city like a rabbit in Australia. Every month, the city has public activities planned for the amusement of its residents. As a National Honors Society member(makes it seems like your bragging about being a NHS member), I volunteer at many of these occasions and end up staying after my shifts to enjoy myself. The most popular gathering is the Plano Balloon Festival, which I both attended and worked. Bearing the atmosphere of a fair, the festival allows visitors to participate in a myriad of activities from eating to jumping in jump houses.(explain?) As a grand finale, dozens of passenger- bearing hot air balloons are released followed by spectacular fireworks. At the end of the night, everyone leaves exhausted, happy, and loaded with freebies.
In addition to the grandiose cultural atmosphere it bears, Plano also has the best public high schools in the nation. My high school, Plano Senior High School (PSHS), has a great student body committee that allows everyone to feel like he or she is an active part of the school. For instance, PSHS has over 30 clubs and organizations on campus, ranging from anime club to the Academic Decathlon; everyone can find a club that suits his or her interests. Over the past school year, my friends and I formed the first ever Art Club on campus and arranged meeting that attracted dozens of members with our interesting activities and excursions. Furthermore, organizations such as the Student Counsel and Student Congress allow my fellow classmates to take part in how the school is run. Recently, our senior class president was selected solely on the votes of students with no administrative interference.(doesn't seem like a big achievement) This practice, along with our broad range of activities allows every student to achieve his or her best in academics as well as feeling great about the school and having fun.
For me, ketchup's popularity rests on its color and ability to work well with other foods. These characteristics model the community from which I come from. A great atmosphere of culture and wonderful surroundings at school are all revealed as I reflect upon my city. I hope that my admission to UCLA will allow me to bring these qualities to the school and its surroundings.
Corrections and comments in red
thanks for your help!
Ketchup is the most wonderful condiment in the world. Nothing can go wrong when you add ketchup to it, not even that brick of a meatloaf a family friend brings to a dinner. The implication that a meatloaf can somehow go wrong bothers me. Maybe the taste... Hm, what do you think of this rephrasing "not even the brick of a meat loaf that one family friend..."
There are many reasons why it's so great. One: it has a wonderful color: red that can brighten anything, even the dreaded broccoli. Two: Ketchup has a taste that works well with any food. In the same sense, the world from which I come from has the same aspects that make ketchup great: great color (atmosphere) in the city and a wonderful community at school.
Your use of colons is suspect. I believe colons are only supposed to be used after a complete sentence with a subject and a predicate, as opposed to just a single word. "I visited the following places:...". In fact, if you put the colon after "so great" and then separated the rest with commas, it would be grammatically correct. Remove the "(atmosphere)"; I'd say its either one or the other. If you feel color isn't clear enough, then just replace it with atmosphere. Having both is a bit awkward.
Plano, Texas is one of the most prosperous towns in the nation. Aside from the economy, culture thrives in this city like a rabbit in Australia. I'm not sure that Australia is particularly known for its vigorous rabbits. Perhaps a more relatable metaphor? Every month, the city has public activities planned for the amusement of its residents. I feel for something to be done for someone else's amusement has a negative connotation. It reminds me of a kid burning ants with his magnifying glass. As a National Honors Society member, I volunteer at many of these occasions and end up staying after my shifts to enjoy myself. The most popular gathering is the Plano Balloon Festival, which I both attended and worked Redundant. If you worked - perhaps replaced by "staffed", you definitely attended. . Bearing the atmosphere of a fair, the festival allows visitors to participate in a myriad of activities from eating to jumping in jump houses. As a grand finale, dozens of passenger-bearing Typically implied, but in this case, with your specific mentioning of the fact that the balloons bear passengers but not of any hot air balloon rides makes it sound like no one is in these balloons. I'd rephrase it to eliminate the (otherwise obvious) fact that hot air balloons bear passengers and to directly state that there were rides given. hot air balloons are released followed by spectacular fireworks. At the end of the night, everyone leaves exhausted, happy, and loaded with freebies. Eh, freebies sound kind of negative, or at least neutral. Maybe a word like "goodies"?
In addition to the grandiose Horribly negative. Grandiose is right next to pretentious. cultural atmosphere it bears, Plano also has the best public high schools in the nation. My high school, Plano Senior High School (PSHS), has a great student body committee that allows everyone to feel like he or she is an active part of the school. For instance, PSHS has over 30 clubs and organizations on campus, ranging from anime club to the Academic Decathlon; everyone can find a club that suits his or her interests. Over the past school year, my friends and I formed the first ever Art Club on campus and arranged meeting that attracted dozens of members with our interesting activities and excursions. Furthermore, organizations such as the Student Counsel and Student Congress allow my fellow classmates to take part in how the school is run. Recently, our senior class president was selected solely on the votes of students with no administrative interference.This practice, along with our broad range of activities allows every student to achieve his or her best in academics as well as feeling great about the school and having fun.
You're listing resume facts. Also, at this point, you've completely forgotten the ketchup metaphor so strongly focused on in the beginning...only to give it one last hurrah at the end.
For me, ketchup's popularity rests on its color and ability to work well with other foods. These characteristics model the community from which I come from. A great atmosphere of culture and wonderful surroundings at school are all revealed as I reflect upon my city. I hope that my admission to UCLA will allow me to bring these qualities to the school and its surroundings.
Mark and Stephen are wicked cool. Thanks, you guys. Welcome to essayforum.
This essay is terrific. I don't think I have ever called anything terrific ever in my whole life. I had to use my spellchecker to figure out how to type the word.
Anyway, you automatically win for coming up with such a great theme.This will impress everyone.
