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'Key Club and the National Honors Society' - NEOUCOM what will i contribute?


kouyaken 1 / -  
Dec 8, 2009   #1
The benefit of growing up in a Chinese-Cambodian household is the language spoken; I had been taught to speak Taiwanese at home and gradually learned English in elementary school. I am proud to be bilingual for it allows me to communicate with a wider variety of people. As a doctor I could use this skill to treat patients other medical professionals may not understand or even travel to Asian counties to care for people there.

While I was considering the medical profession I applied for a position at the Cleveland Clinic as a Student Ambassador. I ended up volunteering 170 hours caring for patients and working alongside doctors, nurses, surgeons and everything in between. Towards the end of the program my dedication was acknowledged and earned me the Gastroenterology Department Award; an honor that confirms their belief in me and my newfound ambition to become a doctor.

Now in high school I continue to volunteer primarily through my school's Key Club and the National Honors Society. Whether its baking cookies for the hungry or tutoring students I relish the opportunity to improve the lives of others or their potential to succeed. I would contribute to NEOUCOM and the medical profession by continuing to hold the same conviction in community service throughout my educational career at NEOUCOM and a professional career as a doctor.

yang 2 / 313  
Dec 9, 2009   #2
As a doctor I could use this skill to treat patients other medical professionals may not understand or even travel to Asian counties to care for people there.

maybe say: my language skills will help me communicate with my patients in my future career as a doctor; I could even travel to Asian countries (which ones?) to cure (better than care) for ppl there

caring for patients and

put this after working alongside... and take out "and everything in between"

Towards the end of the program my dedication was acknowledged and earned me the Gastroenterology Department Award;

towards the end of the prog i was awarded..., an honor that

Now in high school

? so you were in middle school when you did the volunteer? if not, say in my current high school

through my school's

through the

at the end, you begin to lose focus and

I would contribute to NEOUCOM and the medical profession by continuing to hold the same conviction in community service throughout my educational career at NEOUCOM and a professional career as a doctor.

very repetitive and generic.
instead, talk about SPECIFIC things you can contribute and SPECIFIC programs you want to go to. so basically: how exactly you contribute to the school and (what do you expect in return) you don't have to say this part, but makes your essay sound more realistic

overall, good essay. good personal detail, just do a bit more research on the school and talk about its unique programs at the end.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Dec 10, 2009   #3
Each paragraph has a different idea, and they need to all be preceded by an intro para that puts the all together. Add an intro to the beginning of this; use an attention grabbing first sentence, and then list the three main ideas of the essay.

Also, add a conclusion to the end. Give some thoughtful reflection on these 3 ideas. Thread them together in the intro and conclusion.


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