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'the Key Club presentation' - UF Admissions Essay


sexililkadie 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2011   #1
"Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community."

I wrote this essay in about an hr so critics are welcomed. Please help :)

"Hurry up guys! Sit down! The Presentation's about to start" says jennifer, the Key Club President. The presentation was scheduled to begin in about 5 minutes. In my eyes, this meeting was going to be no different than all the other meetings this year. I would soon realize how wrong I was. This presentation, the one I was about to see, changed my life in ways I never imagined.

"So, I'm here to tell you a little bit about the village you will be helping" says the representative. "Your club will be raising money to help this village build a fresh water well". At that moment , I wasnt paying much attention to the presentation. That goes to show you what kind of person I was. Richard (our presenter), then puts on a video of the village on the overhead projector.

The video started out showing a clip of the village people walking to a local river to get water. "The village people walk almost 4 miles from their home to get clean water from this river. They have to make this trip at least 2 times a day" They lived in huts made of straw and mud. The beds they slept on were made of straw and cloth. The huts were built with maximum ventillation in mind but even then, temperatures in those huts rise to 102 degrees in the summer time. The had nowhere to hide because no matte where you went, it felt as if the "Heat was holding you captive." After the video was done, the presentor shared some very interesting statistics with thr club that sent me into an enhanced state of shock. "60% of the children in the village die immediately after birth." I immediately start to cry. For some reason, I was overcome with grief. For once in my 16 years of life, I was saddened over someone's life other than my own. "10% of the surviving infants never make it to age three...disease and famine inevitably claim their lives long before that."

I realized that I needed to change the way I went through life that day. Up until that afternoon, I went through life thinking that the world revolved around me. I hated this about myself and vowed to change it. I vowed to be more conscious of what I say to others and to be more aware of the hardships people face all over the world. I realized that there are bigger problems than the ones I have and I wanted to do something to help. Through fund rasing, by the end of the year Key Club raised enough money to build the well. It made me feel accomplished and extremely proud of myself.

I feel that I could use my leadership qualities and creative ideas to raise awareness on the important issues in the world today. If I can help one person realize what I realized that afternoon in Key Club then thats all I hope for.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Nov 7, 2011   #3
At that moment, I wasn't paying much attention to the presentation.

They have to make this trip at least 2 times a day".

The had nowhere to hide because no matter where you went, it felt as if the "Heat was holding you captive."

After the video was over , the presentor shared some very interesting statistics with the club that sent me into an enhanced state of shock.

There are some places where you switch from past to present tense, which makes things confusing, so if you just fix that, it'll be much better. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)


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