Hey guys, I would be very thankful if you guys can spend time reading my personal statement for UC Prompt 2
"Does Key Club make keys?"- a ridiculous question that I have been asked too many times throughout my three years involvement with Key Club. However, I do not blame those people who ask this question because I believe that the name of this club is quite misleading. Even though other people would find this question annoying, I find it very amusing every time a new member asks this question because I know at least it grabs their attention just like it grabbed mine during sophomore year. Today, the club to me is no longer a typical community service club that I joined for college application anymore, but rather it is my way of life.
After joining Key Club during my sophomore year, my biggest regret would be why I did not join this club earlier. Surrounded by amazing people who strived for the common goal, which is to better the community that we are living in, I know that I have found my second family. My involvement with the club started when I decided to go on a Saturday event that the club offered, a memorial walk at Angel Stadium for cancer patients and as months passed by, I invested more time into these service events because I realized that my true passion in life is to fulfill others' needs and happiness. By giving out six hours each weekend to help out the community through events such as feeding the homeless, making blankets for children, or painting over graffiti, I feel like I have made an impact on the community around me by providing my service to others.
However, I felt that I can get even more involved with the club and the community by trying out for board position. Without any experience but enough determination, I got the position I wanted, historian. The first couple of months is not what I expected to be, I was overwhelmed by the amount of work and responsibility that comes with the position, which includes making advertorial for events, taking pictures of members doing their service projects, and preparing end of the year scrapbook for the club . But due to my character, I decided to face the challenge and work it out. Soon, I was able to quickly adapt and manage my time to balance out between school work and club work by setting a strict agenda, which divides hours for club and hours for homework throughout each week, for myself. After being on board, I learned that I have the power to influence other people to get involved more with the world they are living in, a sense of connection with the community they are living in by showing them actions rather than just telling them to go to service events through the pictures that I took. The position teaches me valuable communication skill that I would never have gotten by just being a member because I had to communicate through email frequently with other officers about upcoming club events, or fundraiser. With that ongoing determination, I decided to apply for divisional board and it eventually landed a divisional position as tech editor for Division 04 North Key Club. As a division tech editors, my task is to create monthly publications and through them, I can encourage more people to take a part in making a difference in their own community by doing small actions.
Key Club have built my character the moment I went to my first event. It influences many decision I made today because the club shows how an individual can develop altruism through participation in his or her community. Through Key Club, I find out that caring is my way of life.
-First paragraph, "three years involvement" to "three years of involvement"
-End of first paragraph, "the club to me" to "the club, to me,"
-End of first paragraph, "college application" to "college applications"
-Beginning of second paragraph, "regret would be" to "regret was"
-Second paragraph, you could probably erase "which is" and "that we are living in" in the second sentence
-Second paragraph, "I know that I have found" should be "I knew that I had found", since you're writing in past tense
-Third sentence in second paragraph is a run-on, you could probably put a period at "patients", erase "and", and start a new sentence at "As months passed by"
-Second paragraph, "passion in life is" to "passion in life was", another tense disagreement
-Last sentence in second paragraph, "I feel like I have made" to "I felt like I had made", another tense disagreement
-Beginning of third paragraph, "I felt that I can" to "I felt that I could", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "is not what I expected" to "was not what I expected", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "responsibility that comes" to "responsibility that came", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "But due to my character" would sound better as "Due to my character, however,"
-Third paragraph, "which includes" to "which included", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "balance out between school work" to "balance school work", sounds less jumbled
-Third paragraph, you could probably erase "which divides hours for club and hours for homework throughout each week"
-Third paragraph, "I have the power" to "I had the power", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "they are living in" to "they lived in", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, maybe erase the comma after "living in" and add "and to have"
-Third paragraph, "the position teaches" to "the position taught", another tense disagreement
-Third paragraph, "communication skill" to "communication skills"
-Third paragraph, comma after "member"
-Third paragraph, maybe erase comma after "events" and change "fundraiser" to "fundraisers"
-Third paragraph, erase the "it" before "eventually landed"
-Third paragraph, "tech editors" should be "tech editor"
-Last paragraph, "Key Club have" to "Key Club has", another tense disagreement
-Last paragraph, add "from" after character
-Last paragraph, "it influences" to "it has influenced", another tense disagreement
-Last paragraph, "decision I made" to "decisions I've made"
-Last paragraph, maybe change "the club shows" to "the club has showed me"
-Last paragraph, "I find out" to "I found out"
I really like how passionate you wrote about your involvement in Key Club. I wasn't sure what Key Club was either until reading this, so the essay was interesting to me! Also, I'm not sure what kind of school UC is, but any school that puts an emphasis on community service will enjoy this essay. Overall, I'd just scan the essay once more to find any tense disagreements. Sorry if it seems like I made a lot of suggestions, most are just grammatical errors though! Hope you get accepted :)
Thank you very much, your input is very helpful. I am intending to major in Chemistry and after undergrad school, I want to go to medical school.
Khoi, the essay that you wrote is quite interesting. However, it tries to concentrate on too much of your involvement in the Key Club. While I admire that you want the reviewer to know about the foundation of your interests and previous reasons for wanting to join the club, those do not really relate to the accomplishments that you had while you were there. I reviewed your word count for this essay and you ave 615 words. Let me offer you a piece of advice, try to cut out 115 words from your essay. It is currently too long, unfocused, and tries to accomplish too much using too many words. The grammar is good, the message is nice, but the focus is not there. You need to make the paper concentrate on the achievement that you consider the most important and develop that part alone.
While the backstory is probably something you consider important, it is not as important as telling the reviewer about the real accomplishments that you have had. To him, the accomplishment would be how your character was built by becoming a member of the club. It isn't about the various positions you held in the club and what it meant you were tasked to do. Rather, it is all about how you helped the community through the club. By focusing the essay solely on that, you will have been able to relate your greatest accomplishment in life (so far).
Essays this informative can usually do with a unique anecdote to help explain your story. You started off with a good hook by asking a question about what the club is. That really got my attention and i think it will get the reviewer's as well. Then your narrative got too factual about the hours you spent at the club and what you were doing, etc. Sharing that information isn't wrong. However, your essay could have been better helped if you had provided a concrete example of how you were able to help the community through the club. A story about a club activity that happened long ago but you still remember today because it helped you learn a lesson. That lesson, is also an achievement on your part that will show the reviewer the kind of character and person you are evolving into.
As a person, part of our achievements in life include how we evolve into better human beings. I can see that this club helped you do that. We just need to bring the attention of the reviewer to that fact in an interesting manner. Rather than feeding him generalized information about your community service in the current essay, focus on that single event that you feel best displays the achievement you reached as a member of the club. Remember, it is not about club positions or designated duties. It is all about how you helped the community. Since you are planning to attend medical school in the future, why not present an experience / achievement related to that during your community service? That should help your application immensely :-)
Thank you for your advice
