My essay is currently too long by 18 words so I need to shorten it while making a better conclusion. Please critique the structure, grammar, and punctuation but not the topic.
Our labors create not the mold of our own souls but the mold of a key. It is that key that determines whether we open the door to the lion's den or the door to blessings. We are given free will and so we choose which doors we open. This the life of a Christian, a student, and a human. This is the life I choose to live.
I find it insufficient to claim to love anything without attempting to understand that love. "I believe in [and love God] as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." (C.S. Lewis) The art aficionado would not dare claim to love an artist without attempting to understand his or her pieces. Likewise, for me to love God without understanding his works is a self-deceiving form of love. This desire to understand has beckoned me to study the ever-expanding field science which I have, never for a moment, found incompatible with my faith.
Watching NOVA has satisfied and developed my love for science. Looking outwards, we learned of the Big Bang and how the universe resulted from the point of singularity. Looking inwards, we learned that humans evolved into beings fit for survival (I am a theistic evolutionist.) This knowledge has humbled me both as a Christian and as a student. so even though I have much to learn, I know more than enough to know that there is so much more that begs to be discovered.
As a student, I also seek to challenge and improve my mind. I enjoy reading the ideas of others and having spirited discussions with friends even if they challenge my own beliefs. Learning of many ideas has the benefit of either strengthening my own beliefs or opening eyes to new things. This spirit of open-mindedness as well as my spirit of inquiry as a student has led me to have a strong interest in the liberal arts. That interest has led me to take A.P. classes such as English Literature, Psychology, Physics, Calculus, and US History.
I also enjoy community service not just out of Christian ideals but because I am of an inherent desire to help anyone who needs help. If I have enough time to spare playing games, reading books, or cycling, then surely, I have enough time to devote to the aid of others. Of all of my community service events, my favorites are the ones where my Key Club and I cook for the families of hospital patients at the Ronald McDonald House. I find a great deal of satisfaction in helping provide a home-cooked meals to those away from home due to a relative's illness.
While Americans are debating healthcare reform, there are many overseas that can't even get to a doctor. Someday, I hope to help people those people as a doctor. For me, that being a doctor would be the best way to use my abilities to the fullest. I hope to one day go overseas a doctor to those impoverished people.
Hey Jonathan, thanks for the feedback! n_n
Take out the bit where you list your courses " ...the strong interest in the liberal arts. That interest has led me to take A.P. classes such as English Literature, Psychology, Physics, Calculus, and US History." it is not really necessary as the college admission will already know of the courses you take, just brief it up because we know liberal arts is the parent to english literature and us history. It would be better if you mirrored that for your physics, calculus, and psychology courses. (i will try to rephrase that)
And your last two paragraphs, you seem to have gone off tangent. The first three paragraph was about the cross roads of science and your faith/religion and then you talk about community service and your activity within it. And then you go about how you wish to aid people overseas as a doctor. There is not much of a logical transition which makes the reader ponder on the big idea/meaning you are trying to convey.
Cut out words like "also," and "Furthermore." Just say the things you want to say.
Thanks. I'll rework the last 2 paragraphs then post them when I'm done.
Our labors create not the mold of our own souls but the mold of a key.
^ I don't really understand that.
Someday, I hope to help people those people as a doctor.
^Hmmm ..
Although this is well written, I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to convey in your essay.
mayfl0wer,
"Our labors create not the mold of our own souls but the mold of a key." Some people see life as an effort to mold one's self and such. I see it differently. I believe that people always remain the same type of person they are at heart but their choices opens different doors and places them in different positions in life. Or to paraphrase that, a person's "raw material" is consistent throughout their life. But what they do with that raw material determines how they turn out.
Also, the point of the essay is to convey my motivations.
