I really just need someone to read it over for me and give me a few pointers if you can, especially in the conclusion? All critiquing will be greatly appreciated!
Prompt:
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you, and why?
Essay:
Generally, learning is thought of as committing a set of facts to memory to be tested on, typically in school. However, it's also analyzing and reanalyzing a situation in order to be able to manipulate a similar one later and produce a different result. In both instances, learning is the most important ability we possess as humans. It's what allows us to expand our knowledge and grow as people.
When entering high school, I quickly realized that I could do the bare minimum to get by, or I could maintain the standards I'd been held to throughout my life by challenging myself and exceeding all expectations. I chose the latter, and in doing so, I realized I excel in math and love to read. Going to school went from being the biggest burden in my life to something I almost looked forward to. Filled with new feelings of enlightenment and ambition, I had found something truly enjoyable: learning. I sought knowledge in all subjects, questioning everything in hope I may stumble upon new information. Intelligence became the most appealing trait of my friends and colleagues. I found myself always seeking noetic conversation, and in time I saw that my eagerness for obtaining new knowledge had changed the person I was, improving my character and instilling in me a curiosity I could not control.
Curiosity gets the best of everyone at one point or another, though. It's gotten me many times. So many that now, even when it puts me in an undesirable position, I've learned to appreciate the opportunity it gives me to uncover the little lessons of life. The bigger lessons are the ones that really need to be looked out for. They're the ones that come about when life throws you a curveball and says "adapt, adjust, learn". When my best friend was killed in a motor vehicle accident, I almost struck out. At first I was angry and confused, but then all the pieces came together and I recognized there was a lesson to be learned: no good will come of sulking about something you can do nothing about, or in worrying about something you cannot control. It allowed me to grieve my friend's death and mature as a person, and was by far the most meaningful lesson I've learned yet.
In recent years, I've come to see that learning plays a key role in the people we grow up to be both academically and in our everyday lives. "Curiosity killed the cat, and taught the dog in him how to act" said Eyedea. It's our curiosity that pushes us to expand our fortress of knowledge, and the results of our actions teach us how to respond in future situations. I think Florida State University would be the perfect place for me to continue my learning, as I also feel I could be a good asset among fellow Seminoles.
Hello Erin,
You have good substance in your essay. But you could add more concrete examples, especially in the second paragraph. Everyone wants to show that they love learning and are just so awesome and motivated, so it is the concrete personal stories that make it sound actually believable. Right now I don't believe you (as a reader trying to help you). How in life did you show your eagerness to learn? What are some examples of actions that you made because of it?
In the second paragraph, start your paragraph about your friend. Thats your example. I know its not an analytical piece of writing, but it makes sense to the reader to see topic sentence, evidence/example, and then analysis. Your first few sentences would work better after your example. Make your story about your friend dyeing more touching and personal, but be careful, don't drive for sympathy! You don't want the reader to feel bad for you- they read millions of these and lots of people write about deaths and hard events. Spend more time on what exactly you learned and what you did because of what you learned. How did it make you act?
In the final paragraph, you're very vague about how this ties into florida state. Spend more time connecting you're story to Florida State. Make them really believe that you're story matches up with what they want!
Overall, good! keep working :)
