Topic: escribe a significant experience from the past two years which required you to interact with someone outside of your own social or cultural group (ethnic, religious, geographic, socioeconomic, etc.). How did this impact you? What did you learn and what surprised you?
This is what I have so far: "Oh, those kids always misbehave. They're really obnoxious," my friend nonchalantly remarked as we arrived at the Northwest Activities Center, a hulking building in the middle of a bustling part of northwest Detroit. "One time I had to break up three fights in one day!"
As someone who had absolutely no experience with young children, his anecdote only made me more apprehensive. We were here to volunteer at the Summer in the City day camp, which recruited high school students from all across the suburbs to help out for the day.
With the twenty other volunteers, I walked tentatively into the building where we were greeted by the camp supervisor. "Good morning ----and welcome to the first day of Summer in the City!" she announced to us enthusiastically. "You'll each be buddied up with a camper that you'll hang out with for the rest of the day. Please watch them at all times, and be interactive!" She went over the rules of the camp, which were mostly common sense. However, she ended on an ominous note: "These kids probably grew up in much different environments than you guys did. Just be mindful of that."
I was paired up with a timid-looking boy. According to his nametag, he was a nine-year-old named Alex. We spent the first few minutes standing next to each other in awkward silence. Finally, I tried to break the ice: "My name is Josh. And you're Alex?"
Obviously it's not complete. I was wondering if it reads too much like a novel?
Joshua, it is definitely reading more like a novel than an essay. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board for this essay. Try to limit the use of direct dialogue since this is not a creative writing assignment. Just talk about the experience that you had. This is one time that you should simply tell and not show in the essay. If you continue to use dialogue, you will end up with pages upon pages of words that will depict something that you could have simply related to the reader in a concise but creative form. Try to write the essay from another angle. Describe it to us, bring us into the world. Don't use dialogue. Use your emotions and logic instead. Remember, you need to deliver your answer to the admissions officer before you lose his attention, in this current form, you are sure to lose his attention and your chance for consideration in the process. If you would kindly revise the essay, we can work with you in improving it or helping you to get the essay to a place where you will be comfortable with the results of your hard work :-)
Thank you for your feedback. Is it OK to include the quote for emphasis and introduction to my essay?
You can use the quote to kick off your essay. I would suggest making that the introduction to the group and then follow it up with your point of view about them during that first time that you saw them. Tell us what you observed about them. Their membership (multiracial or whatever), their activities, and how the other people at the school, from the security team, professors, and other students viewed them. This will set the platform for the collective opinion that people may have had about the group and allow the essay to progress with either agreeing, or disagreeing with the public opinion depending upon how your relationship with them progressed. The introduction will also give the reader an overview of what information the rest of your essay will contain and how it will relate to that quote that you presented at the start. I hope you can post the continuation soon :-) I am looking forward to assisting you with it.
