'to kill another man?' - University of Illinois essay

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

What does it take to kill another man? What disconnects a person from society to such an extent that they are completely incapable of feeling the pain they inflict on others? These are questions that have often haunted me in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think that there is a simple answer to these questions. The workings of the human mind cannot be understood through petty generalization. I could, however, tell you about the effects of such violence. This is a topic I know all too well. When I was three months old, my father was shot dead in an act of terrorism by a Sunni extremist. The death and the financial strains that followed have greatly impacted my approach to life. Since then, I have come to have a genuine appreciation for those around me and the opportunities that I have been given. In fact, it has never escaped me that I was very fortunate to be given the choice to come to the states. This awareness has been a motivating factor in all facets of my life. Academically, it has pushed me to maintain my GPA and take AP classes to challenge myself. Socially, I was motivated to give back to my community. I fulfilled this sense of responsibility by volunteering at "Feed my Starving Children" or by helping keep the community clean with Key club. Furthermore, I intend to carry this awareness to college and into the major that I decide. Therefore, going to college undecided is the best option for me. Since, I know my goal but not a way to them. Moreover, I believe in making multi-attribute decisions and this can effectively be done through exposure to different subject areas. College, in my opinion, is a time of self discovery.

I want a powerful ending, but I'm undecided. So I don't know how to end it.

Perhaps you can talk about how you may never be able to face the man who killed your father or take back what he did but you can "take part in creating a world that will eliminate such situations" or "control the blah blah blah to my own success"...include something that ties in your father while paying tribute to where you plan to go in life.

Great essay though.
Could you help with mine?

Hey,
I like the essay but i don't get how your past experiences have resulted in you being indecisive as to your major.Maybbe you can elaborate on that point a bit more...Otherwise it was a captivating essay...GOOD LUCK AND THANKS

Very touching content. But I guess there should be more emphasis on the how the violence you experienced changed you. For instance, why did you challenge yourself after the accident?

I agree with uchena. try to include the ties in the conclusion:)

It has great potential! its very touching! the beginning makes it almost sound like thats the kind of major you want to pursue like psychology or something? Maybe try a say the death of your father has encouraged you to create a world that is without those type of people and all the things you have done is to try and nurture that type of environment. then continue on by saying how your open to oppritunities. you know you want to make a difference and you hope that Illinois will help you find the best path to making a difference. make sense? just a thought :) hope it helped and i wasnt too late!