I only have one out of two done and I desperately need help editing this one.
Prompt:Describe a challenging situation you've faced. Briefly state the situation, how you responded and why, would you have done anything differently, has it affected or shaped who you are today?
Answer:
The first two years of my high school career consisted of my academic anxieties. I was one of the very few colored students in my class. I felt as if I did not belong. Too afraid to ask for help, too afraid to even speak; I poorly executed half my high school life. The summer before junior year someone close to me said that I would not get into college. I felt defeated. Yet, this was the shock that brought me to change.
The start of junior year I became engaged and confident in myself. I asked for help when needed and I studied harder. For the first time I felt the drive for success. I wanted to be the example student others looked up to: even if it was different than the majority. From my new energy, a few others who were also unconfident thanked me, and gained the assurance to succeed.
Beginning of senior year I was asked the question: "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail"? The answer I gave myself - to forever be confident. As a result, I am securely able to balance school, volunteering, work-study, choir performances, and a part-time job. The only difference I wish I could done made is to start out confident and believe in myself so I could have succeeded early in high school. Although, from my change not only do I build upon myself, I inspire my peers to be proud of whom they are.
I know it's a really rough first draft.
It may be a very rough first draft but it is definitely the way the you want this essay to portray you. This challenge that you posed is something that could have resulted in your being defeated and dropping out of high school. Instead you chose to use the statement of "fact" from that person as a challenge to prove him wrong. There is nothing I would change about the content of this essay. Even with grammatical errors, the essence of your success is there. The best thing that you can do for this essay is to develop it some more. Explain why you felt the need to take on the challenge posed by the statement and how it continues to drive you to succeed in life. Close the essay by indicating that you now feel vindicated and that you look forward to meeting the person who said you would not get to college so you can thank him for inspiring you to get into college. That should add a nice touch the ending of your essay :-)
Thank you so much! The only thing I'm worried about tis work length (250) and adding anything more to it. In your opinion is there something I could replace instead of add?
Yes, I think I found a portion of the essay that we can replace instead. I believe we can do away with the following portion:
Beginning of senior year I was asked the question: "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail"? The answer I gave myself - to forever be confident. As a result, I am securely able to balance school, volunteering, work-study, choir performances, and a part-time job. The only difference I wish I could done made is to start out confident and believe in myself so I could have succeeded early in high school. Although, from my change not only do I build upon myself, I inspire my peers to be proud of whom they are.
The reason that I chose this paragraph in particular is because I want you to concentrate on proving how the comment about you not being able to enter college became the catalyst for change in your life. You can explain how that statement inspired you to prove your detractors wrong and push yourself to achieve more than people who belittled you said you could achieve. Do you think that would work for you?
It is a really great idea, I am just unsure on how to execute the idea because in the middle paragraph I overcome the statement and I feel as if the last paragraph should relate to now and my achievements. So with that said, I don't know how to organize it to fit.
Sarah, don't fret. Essays pass through numerous drafts before they become perfect enough to consider for submission. Here is a thought. Try your best to develop the paragraph using the information I provided. I don't care how you do it at first, just get it done the best way you know how. Once I see how you treated the suggested changes, I can jump in and work with you on a better presentation or cleaning up the paragraph to suit the additional information. You are the only person who knows what information you wish to present in the essay. I can only help you with regards to improving that aspect. Give it a try. There are no right or wrong ways of presenting information about you in an essay. There are only clear ways of presenting it. That is what we will work on once you have written the new paragraph :-) You've only written the essay once so far. Expect to write it about 3 more times before you start to feel comfortable with it. If you are willing to keep revising, I am willing to keep helping :-)
