Hey, everyone! This is my Common App essay and I'd be really grateful if you could review this and provide any kind of help/criticism.
My Prompt: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
My Essay:
CLS
PRINT "Welcome to QBASIC. Your wish is my command."
PRINT "Programming is fun."
That was the first QBASIC program - in fact, the first computer program - I had ever seen. "You know who Mark Zuckerberg is? The guy created this website called 'Facebook.' He's only twenty-three and he's world-famous! You start coding too. It will be hugely useful one day." My father had told this to me the previous night and I had promised him I'd try starting to program. So, you know the rest of the story, right? I was like one of those 80's and 90's kids who was introduced to coding in BASIC when (s)he was twelve, got fascinated, excelled at it, and became a popular geek at school. Well, not really. I hated QBASIC the first time I saw it. I hated that horrible blue screen with horrible grey text on it, with gibberish like, "MS-DOS," and "Debug." Every muscle in my arm yearned to hit that "X" button and go back to finishing that last level of Tony Hawk's Underground. The only reason I was reading that QBASIC tutorial, written by some guy called "Ted Felix," who apparently thought, "programming is fun," was because I didn't want to break my promise. So I told my muscles to relax for a while and continued to read. Three chapters into it, through operations, loops and logical statements, I gave up. This was way too uninteresting for me.
A few weeks later, my father showed me Fractal Art. "All this is done using programming?" "Yep." "No, really. This?! Using just programming??!!" "Absolutely." I was stunned. Both by the beauty of those fractal images and the inconceivable fact that the same ugly statements and words I had written on that blue screen a while back could produce works of such breathtaking resplendence and grandeur. "Okay. Tell me. How do I make these?" "Whoa! Slow down! It's all complex stuff. You need to learn the fundamentals first." I rushed to my computer to seek Ted Felix's help. That little moment was one of the turning points of my life. I started to learn programming, this time with wholehearted commitment. Immediately, I was pulled into a world that was so full of opportunities and challenges, and gradually, I fell in love with programming. This time, printing "Hello World" somehow seemed a hundred-fold more exciting. The prospect of explaining to a computer what I need it to do was astonishing. I would code for hours, many times late into the night, till I was shouted at to get off the computer. Making programs that asked your name and age, simple algorithms for a die experiment, username-password login systems, or games of hangman, propelled by logic and analysis that actually worked, often after several hours of brooding: All of this was priceless! There was never a shortage of ideas for new programs, and the thrill and sense of achievement when each of these was successfully executed was something I could get out of very few other things, one of which was not video games. I had found this wonderful medium which gave me massive freedom to express creativity and experiment on in ways I had never known, and I was not ready to let go.
So, now, five years later, programming is my deepest passion, something I've constantly found solace and happiness in.(Thanks to Ted.) This is my story, and this is the part of my life that has defined me and has been a driving force. "Geekazoid," "That Programmer Kid," (and sometimes "the guy who can fix my computer") - these form my identity now, among friends, family and community. Although I never really got around to learning to produce those advanced fractal images,(my interest shifted towards AI, Robotics and Networking,) I gained a powerful new skill, or, as Gabe Newell says, a superpower!
648 words. (650 is the word limit.)
Thanks a lot for your time! :)
Re-word everything highlighted in red.
Elaborate everything highlighted in blue.
and consider taking out everything highlighted in green.
That was the first QBASIC program - in fact, the first computer program - I had ever seen. "You know who Mark Zuckerberg is? The guy created this website called 'Facebook.' He's only twenty-three and he's world-famous! You start coding too. It will be hugely useful one day." My father had told this to me the previous night and I had promised him I'd try starting to program.So, you know the rest of the story, right? I was like one of those 80's and 90's kids who was introduced to coding in BASIC when (s)he was twelve, got fascinated, excelled at it, and became a popular geek at school. Well, not really. I hated QBASIC the first time I saw it. I hated that horrible blue screen with horrible grey text on it, with gibberish like, "MS-DOS," and "Debug. " Every muscle in my arm yearned to hit that "X" button and go back to finishing that last level of Tony Hawk's Underground. The only reason I was reading that QBASIC tutorial, written by some guy called "Ted Felix," who apparently thought, "programming is fun," was because I didn't want to break my promise. So I told my muscles to relax for a while and continued to read. Three chapters into it, through operations, loops and logical statements, I gave up. This was way too uninteresting for me.
A few weeks later, my father showed me Fractal Art. "All this is done using programming?" "Yep." "No, really. This?! Using just programming??!!" "Absolutely." I was stunned. Both by the beauty of those fractal images and the inconceivable fact that the same ugly statements and words I had written on that blue screen a while back could produce works of such breathtaking resplendence and grandeur. "Okay. Tell me. How do I make these?" "Whoa! Slow down! It's all complex stuff. You need to learn the fundamentals first." I rushed to my computer to seek Ted Felix's help. That little moment was one of the turning points of my life. I started to learn programming, this time with wholehearted commitment. Immediately, I was pulled into a world that was so full of opportunities and challenges, and gradually, I fell in love with programming. This time, printing "Hello World" somehow seemed a hundred-fold more exciting. The prospect of explaining to a computer what I need it to do was astonishing. I would code for hours, many times late into the night, till I was shouted at to get off the computer. Making programs that asked your name and age, simple algorithms for a die experiment, username-password login systems, or games of hangman, propelled by logic and analysis that actually worked, often after several hours of brooding: All of this was priceless! There was never a shortage of ideas for new programs, and the thrill and sense of achievement when each of these was successfully executed was something I could get out of very few other things, one of which was not video games. I had found this wonderful medium which gave me massive freedom to express creativity and experiment on in ways I had never known, and I was not ready to let go.
So, now, five years later, programming is my deepest passion, something I've constantly found solace and happiness in.(Thanks to Ted.) This is my story, and this is the part of my life that has defined me and has been a driving force. "Geekazoid," "That Programmer Kid," (and sometimes "the guy who can fix my computer") - these form my identity now, among friends, family and community. Although I never really got around to learning to produce those advanced fractal images,(my interest shifted towards AI, Robotics and Networking,) I gained a powerful new skill, or, as Gabe Newell says, a superpower!
Conclusion:
PLEASE WORK ON BEING CONCISE!
TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA QBASIC PROGRAM IS.
YOU'RE ON TO A GOOD START AS FAR AS CONTENT GOES!
NO SERIOUS GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!
7/10
But at the end of the day, this is YOUR personal statement. So if your disagree with any of my comments. Keep it how it is!
Thanks a lot, lapd_ray! :) Yes, I should've taken into account that many admission officers may not know what QBASIC is. And yes, I'll reword those sentences as well.
