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"You never know who's watching" - experience that impacted you, common app essay


tomato 3 / 14  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
The topic i chose was basically elaborate on an experience that impacted you. Read it through, criticize me, I only want to improve :).

"Be prepared that the other player might fake a shot and dribble around you, grow wings and fly to the basket," reminded my six foot five basketball coach to the team. My coaches have always told me to be ready for anything and to think about what I would do if the ball comes my way before the play actually happens- I never really applied this concept to my life until my first varsity basketball game during sophomore year. I grew up with basketball as a sport of leisure to me. I could shoot hoops with a few friends, dribble while walking around the park, and proudly and happily spin the ball on my finger to see how long it spun; however, this one basketball game was like a thousand of my coach's reminders rolled into one.

As I stepped out of the locker room into my schools newly renovated gymnasium, the smell of the fresh paint was quickly overcome by the smell of popcorn and the cheering of an unusually large crowd of spectators. It was our first home game, against our league's top rival. We played hard the entire game, but somehow the other team would always get an extra few shots to take the lead. By the end of the third quarter, most of my teammates, sweating profusive puddles of sweat, wanted to give up, but my closest teammate and I were not ready to throw in the towel, no matter how drenched with sweat it was. During the fourth quarter, we continued to play hard, score more baskets, and eventually inspired the rest of the team. Soon we were an unstoppable force, feeding off of each other's perseverance. It struck me how two players had influenced a whole team of sixteen girls, mostly upperclassmen. Although we did end up losing the game by a few points, we were satisfied with the way we played and evidently the crowd was just as proud of us. In fact, as I was walking out of the locker room with my bright maroon Adidas™ bag, a large man, well over six feet with dreadlocks called my jersey number and caught my attention. "Hey number two," he yelled. He had stopped to congratulate me on how well I played, but also how impressed he was by my perseverance. "I saw what you did out there, and it reminded me of myself," he said reminiscently. As we continued conversing, he asked what I wanted to pursue in life. When I responded I wanted to work in the business world, his eyes widened. He responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I came to watch this game." It turns out that he was the founder of the Circles of Color International Business Network looking for well-rounded individuals to represent the "Next Generation." He often gave on campus lectures to the AVID program and had just finished a lecture when he stopped by to support our school's basketball team. We exchanged contact information, and I walked out of the gym with a smile as wide as the Panama Canal.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that a simple high school basketball game would lead to eventually opening doors to endless connections and contacts in the business world. At the age of sixteen, I earned the position of Special Projects Executive Officer. As I attended more meetings, I came to realize I was the youngest in the room, but I was still given the same attention and respect as the CEO sitting two seats to the left of me. Being a sixteen year old in a room full of entrepreneurs, most with more years of experience than I have been alive, reminds me of how this all came about, every time. My coaches words, be prepared, rang true. I didn't work hard in that game to impress anyone in the stands. I worked hard for myself, and it paid off in the most rewarding, unforeseen way possible; it provided a unique opportunity. In life you'll never know what to expect, except to expect the unexpected. I began to realize that by working hard, utilizing certain skills, and doing something one had a passion for leads to success, which is truly when preparation meets opportunity.
vfc999 1 / 4  
Oct 28, 2010   #2
I wish I was more of an expert on the matter of college essays so please don't take anything I say to heart since its just the opinion of a fellow applicant. Honestly I really enjoyed your story. It was interesting to read and I your descriptions were great. All I can say is that somehow the descriptions feel done before? I'm not sure how to put it in words really. I've read certain sample essays that have simply made me say wow and more or less left me speechless. I was impressed by your essay and your story but I just didn't get that same feeling. I wish I could be more of a help but that's all I really can say. Good luck though :)
OP tomato 3 / 14  
Oct 28, 2010   #3
vfc999, thankss, I totally understand. I know it's not the most amazing essay of all time, but the fact that you actually enjoyed my story and thought it was interesting gave me a little more confidence. If there's anything specific to make it more appealing, please comment!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 3, 2010   #4
Don't be prepared that... be prepared for.
Or be advised that...
"Be advised that the other player ...

Also,will----> if it comes, or woulde ---> if it came.
what I would do if the ball came my way before the play actually happened - I never really applied this concept to my life until my first varsity basketball game during sophomore year.

...sweating profusive I don't know if this is a real word! Maybe it is, but just check.

Where preparation meets opportunity... that is an expression that many people use, and because it is not original it probably should not be used at the end of the essay.

Okay, this needs less detail and more analysis, more reflection. I think you could tell the story in about 1/2 the space, and it would leave you plenty of room to discuss the implications for your future.

also:
I began to realize that by working hard, utilizing certain skills, and doing something one had has a passion.

Hey, I think it is not "success" but "luck" that is referred to in that expression. Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

Sometimes, it is just luck, though! :-)


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