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"Knowing oneself is the beginning of all wisdom"; Significant experiences


scisslehannd 1 / 1 1  
Feb 27, 2013   #1
Hey this is an essay for a summer program. I feel this essay is really sub-par. I've never had to write about myself and my experiences...

PROMPT: What are the significant experiences or accomplishments you have realized that have helped define you as a person?

Everyday at school, students learn about world history, mathematics, and chemistry - to name a few. While teachers spend countless hours going over the Pythagorean theorem, students are never given the opportunity to learn about themselves.

Aristotle said, "Knowing oneself is the beginning of all wisdom." It's true this lesson of self-discovery cannot be taught within the parameters of a classroom; but it can be revealed through self-reflection.

At the Rotary Youth Leadership Awards, I learned about my personality type and how I can more effectively lead others in my community. This event prompted me to question just how we are supposed to use our leadership ability.

Then I attended Kairos. Kairos - a Catholic retreat program - provided perspective on many of the open-ended questions I needed answers to. Given more time to self-reflect, I became aware of my purpose for existence. Kairos inspired me to follow the Christian ideal of "being a person for others."

These experiences confirmed that my actions against the world's injustices through Amnesty International and Rotary Interact are only the beginning steps towards the right direction. These experiences have assisted me in issues where I must choose between what is right and what is easy. Both events provoked more questions about the world and my place in it. And while my answers are not nearly complete... I have a lifetime to contemplate and satisfy these questions.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 28, 2013   #3
Everyday at school, students learn about world history, mathematics, and chemistry - to name a few. While teachers spend countless hours going over the Pythagorean theorem, students are never given the opportunity to learn about themselves.

You have a word constraint and therefore you should make use of every word to earn points for you. The admission guys need to know you better and they are not interested in things they already know. So, avoid these detailed writing which does not reveal anything about you. They only consume your words.
Mmarshall876 2 / 10 3  
Feb 28, 2013   #4
I like the topic. Why don't you start the essay with Aristotles' quote as an attention grabber then use the first few sentences as a means to flow your point of view. Elaborate slightly about the knowledge you gained on your personality and how it became a strong point for leadership. It kind of leaves the reader on a limb as to how it connects with finding yourself. I'm not sure how long you need this to be, but you are on the right track, just needs some more details that ultimately reveal the true "you" to the reader.
OP scisslehannd 1 / 1 1  
Feb 28, 2013   #5
Thanks guys for all the great feedback!! I took into consideration your views. I changed the intro around a little. I really tried to elaborate on how I learned about my personality. Unfortunately, this essay has a max of 250 words. So, I was extremely limited in what I could add!! But I did get rid of the intro so those extra words could be used on my personality. Thanks overall! Really helpful!!!!


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