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Knowledge is useless if it is not shared with the world...


Leobosco 2 / 3  
Sep 27, 2015   #1
Hello, this is my second draft completely rewritten for an application as an Undergraduate to U.T. Austin. Please tell me what would you change, add, or remove and why. Thank you so so much! :)

Knowledge is useless if it is not shared with the world, because what use can we give to it if we keep it for ourselves? Especially if we are talking about something as beautiful as Physics, the study of nature itself; how things work from the smallest to the largest realms of reality, why are things the way they are? I assert that education is the foundation of every citizen of every country, and that is why I am committed to become a researcher and professor along the way of finishing my doctoral studies, and I know that I need the best guidance possible to become a great researcher and professor, which is why I am applying to UT Austin. I believe that because of my conviction and efforts I am a really adequate student that would fit with the university's mission of excellence in education, research and public service.

Since I started college I looked for any opportunity I had to start obtaining experience to achieve my goals, whether in the field of research or teaching, as I did not want to wait until I had finished my degree. Nevertheless, I was told that I would not be able to, as I was just a freshman and had to gain more experience. I decided that I would take as many courses that would help me as possible, and do my greatest effort in getting good grades in them. I was able to complete my first 40 credits the first year and making it to the Dean's List. My effort was paying off and I was recommended as a model student to be a tutor for the Physics department and, one month later, as a Teaching Assistant; where I have really enjoyed being able to help other students understand a hard topic such as Physics, and I hope I will be allowed to continue these activities while I continue my degree. In addition, I was given the opportunity to participate in an honors research course with Dr. Ferrer this current semester.

I aspire to be a model professor for young scientists like myself right now. All of the best professors I have had at U.T. El Paso have one same constant, which is that they always assist me to take good decisions regarding how to complete my goals and all of them have told me to challenge myself and always try to obtain the best instruction available, which took me to apply at U.T. Austin. I know that at U.T. Austin I would be able to receive the best quality of education from a top research university and professors the caliber of Dr. Chiu, whose research involves my favorite Physics branches: particle, high-energy and theoretical Physics. Nobody can work completely on its own, which is why I volunteer to help other students even though I am no longer a tutor, and that is why I appeal to you: to give me the opportunity to receive great guidance to become the best student, professor and researcher I can be at U.T. Austin.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 28, 2015   #2
Leo, your first paragraph, while strong, is not really useful in the essay. You don't need such a flower introduction to your statement of purpose. You should begin the essay from what is currently your second paragraph instead. Don't waste the time of the reviewer telling him information about yourself that he can learn by assessing your other submitted documents. Regardless of how you assess your adequacy as a student, it is the reviewer's opinion on your essay and grade transcript that will matter the most. So you don't really need that paragraph.

In your second paragraph, you unintentionally created a question in the mind of the reviewer that you did not provide an answer to. When you say achieve your goals, what goals are those? Is is becoming a physicist? If so, explain why. Why is it so important to you that you cannot even wait to finish your degree before pursuing those opportunities? Be sure to always second guess the reviewer. Always review your statements from his point of view. Is it informative? Does it lack additional information? Does it lack substance as a paragraph? Make sure to plug those possible holes with responses. Remember, if you think the paragraph is good, it can be better. Look for the loopholes that could affect your statement.

You have so many notable achievements. I will admit to that. The list is impressive and the way you talk about it tells me that you are probably a good candidate for consideration. I have just one problem with everything you just told me. The purpose for your desire to complete a Physics degree is not really clarified. Merely mentioning it but not concentrating on building it up using your previous college experience does not mean you have presented your purpose. Everything you say are mere image building and lip service words. There is no real compelling reason for your interest in Physics.

What a reviewer will look for in your statement of purpose is the reason why you feel you fit in the world of Physics. What plans do you have for your early career? Do you plan on inventing a chemical reaction that will create an alternative unlimited energy resource that can be used by the public for free? Are you looking towards a career in nuclear science with Physics as your first step? There are so many purposes for your desire to complete this degree and yet you failed to present a convincing reason in your essay. So the reviewer will think you are not familiar with the course and are not serious about your application.

College students normally have some sort of vision for their future based upon their chosen major. Try to depict that in your essay in order to clearly present your purpose. While I admire your desire to pursue the best education that you can, and that you are looking forward to learning from the brightest minds at UT, the question that remains is, does your purpose suit the objectives of UT? You say you want to become a researcher and professor in the future. What do you want to specifically research and what area of physics do you wish to teach? Why do you want to do those things? What is the reason, the driving force behind that interest? Explain yourself in relation to those interests. Then you will have properly addressed the statement of purpose prompt
OP Leobosco 2 / 3  
Sep 28, 2015   #3
Vangiespen, is there a way I could contact you besides this forum? Thank you so much!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 3, 2015   #4
- ...something as beautifulacademically important as Physics,..
- ...professor along the way ofwhile finishing...
- ...that because of my convictionwith my will and....
- efforts I am a really adequate student that wouldwill fit...
- ...a hardchallenging topic such as Physics,...

-...young scientists like myself right now .
- ...have one same constantin common ,
- which is that is they...
- ...obtain the best instructioneducation available,
- which took meand this lead me to apply at U.T. Austin.
- ...students. even though I am no longer a tutor,
- and that is why I appeal to you: to give meShould I be given the opportunity...

That's it, as you notice, I remained hands on and went straight to correcting your letter right up front, this is because I want you to see how much work is needed in your essay and what has to be done. This way you will be able to follow through and for your future writing reference too.

Moreover, I made the sentence not so centered at you, this is because you are pleading for the opportunity at the institution at the same time I made sure that the admissions officer will get to know your capabilities as a student and as a great addition to the institution.

Well, that's it for me, I wish you the best of luck and do let know how it goes.


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