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'Kon Tum, Vietnam' - important achievements and contributions(community,music)-


deco1919805 1 / 3  
Mar 12, 2011   #1
This is my essay for SMU application.Feel free to criticize!Thanks in advance

Instruction:*Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max : 300 words)

My essay:

Life always contains moments that can fully change one's life forever. Throughout of my life, there are two events that will stay in my mind forever, for they has totally led my fate to a total different part.

The first one was the time I spent in Kon Tum, a remote province in the west highland of Viet Nam. As a participant of the campaign organized by the Red Cross Group of District Phu Nhuan in Ho Chi Minh City with the aim of fiving a free health check to impoverished people in Kon Tum, I was mainly assigned to help other members in the group to distribute medicine to the local. Moreover, I also taught English to some children in the area and help to repair houses of their parents. Days after days seeing how people in Kon Tum struggle to make a living in one of the poorest provinces in Viet Nam as well as helping them greatly influenced me, totally changed my perspective and turned myself from a naughty and self-centred guy to a more sympathetic and responsible man.

The second time I felt like my life was not the same was after my performance in the Spring Fair held in my school when I was tenth grader. Playing harmonica in front of hundreds of students was the thing I had never done before, so I was really nervous before going up to the stage. But surprisingly, when I began to play a song, all the anxiety got away, leaving behind only the melody flowing through my mind and coming out from my harmonica. Silence overshadowing the whole room after my performance was soon broken by thunderous applause from everyone. From that day, my confidence was greatly boosted, and so was my liking for music.

(298 words)
mpvick 2 / 5  
Mar 12, 2011   #2
Remember to use the structure of an essay.
OP deco1919805 1 / 3  
Mar 13, 2011   #3
Once I read an essay of a guy also applying for SMU,and that essay didnt have a conclusion.And as there is only 2 words left,I will have to delete a lot of things above in my essay,and it will totally make my whole essay too general.How about the words I used and the grammar?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 15, 2011   #4
have to delete a lot of things

That's okay, less is more!

Life always contains moments that can fully change one's life experience forever. ---do not use "life" 2 times awkwardly.

I cut that information right out of the essay. The reader does not need to know the name of Kon Tum. Also, I think you should delete the whole first paragraph and begin the essay like this:

The first one My first life-changing experience was the time I spent in Kon Tum, a remote province in the west highland of Viet Nam. as a participant in the campaign organized by the Red Cross Group of District Phu Nhuan in Ho Chi Minh City with the aim of fiving a free health check to impoverished people in Kon Tum, I was mainly assigned to help other members in the group to distribute medicine to the local.

I am happy to have you participating in this forum! Thanks for the work you have been doing. :-)


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