Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Surrounded by loving kin, and friends, I am a Korean, born in America, with my life plans all premeditated out by my parents, my family was known as the typical Asian family. I was raised with two younger brothers and being the oldest I had the most responsibility and pressure. I was given the stature of being the first born, to be the pillar of my family. Of course what any parent would want for their child to be is successful in life.
I consider myself to be fortunate to have many opportunities in life that others may not have. I have two parents, two younger brothers, relatives, mentors, and friends who support me. Although I have been criticized here and there, none of it truly fazed me because I knew it was for me. Since I was born into a loving community, I knew that I wanted to help others because they had shed their light unto me. I did not want them to be in pain, sick or near death. I wanted to help the world that surrounded me with the joys of life.
My family wanted me to prosper in the medical field. Because of its higher success rate and a lot of money can be made to support my family, it was the most highly considerable choice. This dream of theirs was even more prominent because most of my relatives are thriving doctors. I resented the fact that I had to have some kind of job in the medical field. But by the time of my junior year, I had to set my priorities straight. I started off with a rebellious attitude of not becoming the person my family wanted me to be, but soon enough I began to open my heart.
Since I wanted to care for the people around me, I was foolish to dissent the idea of becoming a doctor. I understood that I wanted to aid the people of this world. I longed to cure, to repair the problems of my patients. I knew I wanted to help people stay alive. Thus my dream was to become a military surgeon and work out in the field, protecting the lives of soldiers and citizens. Afterwards to join Peace Corps and give free medical attention throughout the world. Some people may think it's a waste of my time to spend money I earn, for other people, but I think of it as compensation. Because of the people who raised me and cared for me, I wish to repay back for their good deeds with a bundle of blessings from me unto them. Not only to those who raised me but also to everyone else, although I may not have met them or never will, I hope the medicine I provide, the money I give would help the future generations learn to love one another and grow to be the best. For those who did not live in a loving environment as me, my only wish is for them to be able to receive that love in another form.
My family and community shaped me into who I am today, and will continue to influence me throughout my life. My parents who gave me the definitive role of being the eldest child, and shared with me the sense of great responsibility, my community although varied throughout my seventeen years, gave me love, kindness, and great words of wisdom. With these assets given to me, I now have my pathway built for me to achieve my dreams. My world is my source of potential future.
Read, and report, what i need to work on! Please and Thank You :)
Your first sentence is so wordy, I think you can rewrite it.
You sound a little preachy in your ending but that's just my opinion.
Other than that, it's a really good essay in that it has a strong beginning, middle, and ending.
Your sentence leveling is great. Maybe earlier in your introduction and early body paragraphs you could potentially go a little deeper in your levels but don't do that if you begin to get redundant or it inflates your word count too high.
The only revision i would advise is to flow your levels together a little more. The content is there and you wrote concise, which is excellent. You never want words for words sake. But here and there if you can make some connections between your levels or sentences i think it would really propel your paper just to that extra degree.
