Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs,school,community,city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)
Kosovo, a tiny speckle in any world map is the star I revolve around. This little country I call home has been the source of inspiration behind my academic achievement.
However much Kosovo has developed in the past ten years since being liberated, it still stumbles on the path to former glory.
I cannot deny the dearth of higher education resources in Kosovo, nor the indifference shown towards it. Albeit Kosovo has many gifted students, the engulfing financial crisis has become a barrier which imprisons them, forcing their survival instincts to suppress any academic aspiration they may have. It is lamentable to see potential for greatness fade because of financial struggle and lack of proper education. Being a witness to the dimming light of bright minds has changed me. I now appreciate the opportunity I have been given, an opportunity to reveal myself to the world, one seen so very rarely by my country's youth.
A motivation that has pushed me to my limits is the need to contribute to my country's educational system. Kosovo currently has one Institution with mathematic and computer science department - you have read correctly, it has only a single one which lacks new generations, and new ideas. The possibility to help my country evolve, especially in computer science, a field which directly impacts Kosovo's economy, has fueled my resolve. I yearn to be one of the restless forces who are contributing to the development of Kosovo. As a teenager, succeeding academically is the best way to respond to my heart's desire.
This is a well-written essay, but I feel it could be a lot stronger. I'm not saying this because of your writing style, etc. If I were you, I would capitalize more on the fact that I come from Kosovo and use all the resources someone writing about how they come from a place like Kosovo has (I.e. Political turmoil, failure of other countries to recognize Serbia. That kind of thing. Have you ever experienced or been caught in the middle of a political type of conflict? Your parents? I think you should expand more upon the types of attitudes Kosovo's (Kosovian?) government has toward education.
Could you take a look at my essay as well?
How have they contributed to ur aspirations? It gets fuzzy 'cause it cannot be assumed that you are going to study mathematics. I can see how they have made u the hard worker you are
This is a good piece, however I feel as though it should be more specific. Make it about you, not just about your country.
A motivation that has pushed me to my limits has been the need to contribute to my country's educational system.
How are you going to contribute?
So, basically, mix what you have here with your specific dreams and aspirations for the future. Hope I helped a bit :)
DO yOU think this is more personal, more specific or have I yet more work to do on it?
feel free to be harsh.
Kosovo, a tiny speckle in any world map is the star I revolve around.
I think you need to refer to it this way (as the star that you orbit) again at the end of your first paragraph in order to convey the full meaning of the metaphor. You will go a lot of places but it will stay central to your focus.
Then, somewhere in the conclusion paragraph, refer a third time to yourself as a satellite in orbit of Kosovo. That is the way you make the metaphor part of the meaning of the essay. Don't just say it in the first sentence and leave it unexplained.