Hi there - I was just wondering if someone could revise my essay and tell me if its any good. I know it's kind of long but there wasn't a limit to how much you could write and I just took the prompt and ran with it haha. Is it too much about another person? I'm not sure. Thanks so much :)
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I remember a little girl who used to have her small pink four poster bed next to her parents' bed. I remember how her father's hand use to dangle over the side of his bed so that his daughter could grab it. She couldn't fall asleep without holding that hand...a proper little daddy's girl. I remember how excited that little girl got whenever her dad got home; how she would jump into his arms as soon as he walked through the door. Though I don't need my dad's hand to fall asleep anymore, I remember that little girl and how she thought her dad could protect her from everything. Now all grown up, I know that my father can't always offer me protection from the evils in this world - but he can offer me something else - someone to look up to. Someone who has been the most important influence in my life.
When I turned 17, my father told me the story of his youth. He reminisced back to when he himself was 17 years old and told me how he went from Cuban refugee to successful American doctor. He described the crumbling buildings and streets filled with antique cars in Old Havana. He remembered how he used to go fishing with his uncle on the beach every morning. In his backyard, he used to have trees of different kinds. Mango trees, avocado trees, orange trees. There were even chickens running around his house! It was a nice simplistic life. The sky was blue, the air was cool, the breeze was fresh . But there had been something missing - the smell of freedom. Living in a land where the government told you where to live and what food to buy and what you were going to be when you grow up, my father yearned for freedom. A place where he had the freedom to live where HE wanted to live, to buy the things HE wanted to buy, and to become whoever HE wanted to be. He was completely despondent with the country he lived in. And so he and his parents planned to go somewhere where freedom was embedded in the constitution - the United States of America. To him, it was this magical place where everyone had an equal opportunity to achieve their goals, what was called "The American Dream". With "El Sueno Americano" in his sights, he got on a boat headed to Miami, Florida. As soon as he arrived and touched American soil, he was so happy to finally be free of that suffocating Communist regime, that he took off his underwear and waved it over his head! He had left everything he had back in Cuba. His slate was clean; here for a brand new start. He had nothing but the clothes on his back. He didn't have any money, nor did he know an ounce of English! Can you imagine being in a foreign country without any knowledge of the language or without any money? I cannot imagine how alienated he must have felt. Despite all of the setbacks and disadvantages - he had a goal. Glad for his opportunity for success, he began his journey. Because of his lack of English he struggled twice as much as everyone else, but also studied twice as hard. While other kids were putting off all their homework to hang out with friends and going out to parties, my dad was sitting at a desk, bent over his chemistry homework and his English homework and his trigonometry homework, trying to make sense out of it all. He in no way whatsoever took advantage of his new found freedom. My dad finally graduated with honors from the University of Miami and went to med school in Puerto Rico where he met my mom. My mother told me about how my dad would sometimes have to put off a date because he needed to study for an exam, and how she saw him read the entire thing of Harrison's Book of Internal Medicine. When he finally achieved his goal, he was so proud of where he had gotten, and of what he had accomplished. To repay our country for everything it had done for him, my father continued on to serve in the United States Army as a proud American officer.
I see what my dad has become, and how he has made a great remarkable something out of nothing at all. He has shown me by example that everything is within reach, all one needs is the determination and willpower. My dad's dedication and strength has influenced me a great deal by inspiring me to reach out and try as hard as I might to achieve my goals, to become a doctor just like him. Nothing would make me happier than becoming a doctor, to see my dad's proud face as I reach for my diploma. For him to see me graduating from college, for him to point me out to others and say "That's my girl. She became something." And because of him, I know I can do it, because I was born with an advantage my father did not have - I was born here in the United States. I grew up with English on my tongue and the best education I could get. I will not stray and take for granted what many of the people in this world don't have - freedom.
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."
-Vince Lombardi
Good evening :)
First, some mechanical comments. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; instead of "it's," write out "it is."
Avoid using transitory/conjunctive words such as "and," "but," or "because" as the beginnings of sentences.
...called "The American Dream."
I don't think it's too long-yet. You've got a good intro and conclusion, and the body fits those lengths as it is. If you would like to add more, perhaps a little more introspection and evaluation as to how he and his history have influenced you would be appropriate. Otherwise, it is a great piece!
Regards,
Gloria
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