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Lafayette College - Cur Non moment


Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Hey guys this is my essay for Lafayette college. Pls help me look thru them, especially for grammatical errors. All feedback is welcomed! Thanks!

1. In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life.

The hours seemed daunting, the pay was low and it was certainly not going to help my academics. Yet the prospect of being outside my comfort zone excited me. I figured I had nothing to lose. Armed with a sense of adventure, I signed on to be a part-time worker for the annual book fair organized by "Popular" bookstore. Getting a job may seem trivial. However, I had never worked before. The culture of working while in high school is not prominent in Singapore as parents emphasize on academics alone. Hence, the abrupt transition to working 12 hour shifts daily during the holidays was unnerving.

However, the job was a blessing in disguise. I met teenagers who were different from me - they came from troubled backgrounds and were school drop-outs. Coming from a prestigious school, I had never met people like them before. I learnt that contrary to popular belief, most of them were hardworking people. This motivated me to truly want to help the less fortunate in my country. The many stressful situations of dealing with demanding customers also taught me patience. I came away from the entire experience as a more diligent and socially-aware person. Not shying away from the challenge of a job was my most rewarding "Cur Non" moment ever.
wya7890 2 / 15  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
Great job! Your content is fabulous, it's just your sentence structure that needs a bit of tweaking. I would try to vary each sentence so that some convey the "head-on", "I did this, I did that" feeling and others are more sneaky and hybrid and the like. For example:

Getting a job may seem trivial; h owever, I had never worked before.

or: "In Singapore, the working high school student is not easily found - parents tend to emphasize academics alone. Hence, abruptly transitioning (from what?) to 12 hour daily shifts during the holidays was unnerving."

There is a certain "active voice" that is sometimes lacking in the text; usually you can achieve this by making the sentence as short as possible while still retaining the content. So like "I sat on the rather uncomfortable chair" vs. "The chair, although rather uncomfortable, was sat on by me."

Good luck with your app! If you have time, please feel free to read my Penn essay :)
OP Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
Hey thanks for your help it was really helpful! Lol my education system focuses on passive sentence structures but I see your point. I'll look over your essays asap!
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
Lishan

parents tend to emphasize on academics alone.

Suggestion: parents tended to place emphasis solely on academics.

Hence, I found the sudden reality of working 12 hour shifts unnerving.

Suggestion: So it's no surprise, I found...
I think that would be a stronger starting instead of just paltry "Hence"

Otherwise I think this is a pretty good essay. Nice and solid.

Hope this helps!
phhai 7 / 25  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
Paradoxically, I argue with Zhoek . I think the revised version is good on itself.
The essay truly resembles a moment of "why not ?"
However , I think this part
"However, the job was a blessing in disguise. I met teenagers who were different from me - they came from troubled backgrounds and were school drop-outs. Coming from a prestigious school, I had never met people like them before. I learnt that contrary to popular belief, most of them were hardworking people."

is a bit hostile . It might get you to be perceived as a bit shallow .
1 more thing , I thought the international deadline for La Fayette was December 15th ?
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #6
Its preferably before Dec 15, but they accept up to Jan 1st. :)
OP Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #7
Haha I checked with the adcoms. They said that it's preferably by 15 Dec but they'll accept it till Jan 15. You scared me for a moment Zhoe! If it's Jan 1st I'm doomed as my teacher hasn't finished her recommendation yet. Thanks to Zhoe and phhai! I'll work on my essay a bit more. You guys have been helpful! =)
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #8
Whoops, I meant 15th. :) Applying to Lafayette, its my number one choice. Also international plus my teacher hasn't submitted it on CommonApp as yet.

I hope I get in BAD.
Your welcome though and best of luck!
OP Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #9
You're international too? =) Are you from England? Saw your other thread where you mentioned something about using British eng I think lol. Laf is my 1st choice too! The school seems so amazing. Hopefully both of us will be accepted! Good luck too!
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #10
I know right, a rep. came to my school & I was hooked. Laf's perfect! Nope, I'm from Jamaica, we used to be a colony so we're British in English.

Fingers crossed for us both then?
;)
OP Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #11
Haha yeah! I know someone there and he says it's really great. Singapore was a colony too so we use British English as well. The problem is most of us use a mix of British and American English now, so I have to keep checking to make sure my spelling is consistent!
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #12
Your from Singapore? Get out!
It is pretty cool here I'll admit.
Yep, I am guilty as charge too, I try to keep it consistent but the years of combining it makes it pretty difficult


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