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'The land of golden opportunities' - Common App: Journey of a Lifetime


rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 29, 2011   #1
Hey Everyone,

I am working on my Common App Essay. I would appreciate constructive criticisms. Minor corrections are appreciated, but I am focusing on the larger picture. Does the essay flow smoothly, is it memorable, would you accept me to your college based on the essay? Thank you so much! :)

P.S. It's 499 words, so I can only add one more word.

Here's the topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"America is the land of golden opportunities! We must ensure that you three have an excellent education and a bright future," my parents announced to me and my two brothers six years ago. We had just gotten home from the local mosque on a Friday afternoon and were having lunch. I was a typical eleven year old boy, who was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America. I went to school the next day and spread the news to my classmates during recess. Five months later, we were boarding the airplane at Dhaka Zia International Airport. I had never imagined airplanes to be as enormous; I always thought they were perhaps the same size as they were in the night sky.

Forty-seven hours after boarding the plane, we arrived in Detroit, Michigan. As we stepped outside, the freezing gusts of wind made me tremble. Accustomed to the scorching weather of Bangladesh, I never thought this extent of freezing temperatures could exist outside of refrigerators. In the following days, I realized that similar to the weather differences between America and Bangladesh, everything else was different. I just had not decided if things were better or worse yet.

Within a week, we encountered the harsh reality that America offers to its immigrants. My parents sold our ancestral lands and personal possessions to afford the plane tickets. We stepped on the soil of this nation with practically nothing. No one in my family spoke English and we were overwhelmed adjusting to the American culture. However, my parents decided not to relinquish their dreams and instead considered the positive aspects of this new life. They asserted "Soon, you will start school, where you will learn the language. I know you will succeed in America. The opportunities are here, you just have to take advantage of them." Inspired by my parents' words, I aspired to be successful academically.

The beginning of my schooling in United States resembled a nightmare. My school offered no cultural diversity; I was the only one in my school of my race, religion, and skin color. My classmates constantly humiliated and intimidated me. Speaking only broken English, I managed to understand their hatred by their facial expressions. However, I comprehended that the intolerance of teenagers in a poverty-stricken neighborhood was not the accurate representation of the sentiment of American citizens. Their hatred and ignorance motivated me to strive for knowledge. My accent and other peoples' difficulties to understand what I was saying immensely encouraged me to improve my speaking skills. Within two years, my efforts and endeavors seemed successful. In ninth grade, I won the school-wide oratorical contest and was awarded for excellence in Language Arts.

The leading motivations for my achievements are the journey of eight thousand miles from my home to an unknown atmosphere and my parents' financial struggles as immigrants. After realizing my potential amidst the opportunities in America, I finally decided that the differences of America were better for my future endeavors.
ayim5774 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
Hello! I really enjoyed this essay. My parents actually immigrated to the US when they were in their early teens so this is very relatable to me. Actually, English is my second language as well so I commend you on your excellent writing; it's pretty tough for a lot of native English speakers to write as well as you do. Big picture-wise, I thought it was great! There are a few grammar things but who doesn't have those? By the way, the last line in the first paragraph, the one about the airplane, was one of the best lines I've read in a really long time.
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
Thank you so much, ayim5774! I really appreciate your input. You have no idea how much my confidence just shot up =)
And yeah, trying to put my thoughts in English can get very difficult sometimes. English is pretty much my third language, after Bengali and Hindi.

Thanks again.
sonya15 4 / 29  
Oct 30, 2011   #4
Your essay is remarkable. It really shows how much you have conquered the language. You can write a lot better than people who speak English as their first language.

My parents sold our ancestral lands and personal possessions to afford the plane tickets.
They didn't sell the ancestral lands, they sold their own property.

However, I comprehended that the intolerance of teenagers in a poverty-stricken neighborhood was not the accurate representation of the sentiment of American citizens. Their hatred and ignorance motivated me to strive for knowledge.

I love these two lines. I have pretty similar ones in my essays, but yours capture what you are trying to say much more effectively.

I was a typical eleven year old boy, who was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America.
As a typical eleven year old boy, I was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America.

I had never imagined airplanes to be as enormous; I always thought they were perhaps the same size as they were in the night sky.

I had never imagined airplanes to be (so)enormous; I always thought they were the same size as they were in the night sky. (what a beautiful sentence)

Btw, I speak Hindi too! Thanks for your comment.
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #5
Shukriya, sonya15!

I really appreciate the help; my essay is definitely stronger now. Thanks for the compliments.
It's awesome you speak Hindi. I actually taught myself Hindi by watching Bollywood :D

Good luck to you through college :)
cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #6
Wow, very moving essay. It is structured very well, and definitely puts into perspective the issues that arise with immigrating. I loved it, and besides the few grammatical issues that were already mentioned there isn't anything I would change about it!
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #7
I forgot to thank you for your comments cstephanie41.
Thanks :)
wqm 1 / 1  
Nov 1, 2011   #8
Wah~ your English skill makes me jealous. Your essay's well structured. The airplane one is beautiful. I like it :)

I was a typical eleven year old boy, who was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America. I went to school the next day and spread the news to my classmates during recess.

In the following days, I realized that similar to the weather differences between America and Bangladesh, everything else was different. I just had not decided if things were better or worse yet.

It's already OK being like this, but I think that you should insert linking-word to increase the fluency between these sentences.

I haven't finished writing my ComApp essays yet. I wish I get write a good one as you do.

Good luck!!! :D
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Nov 1, 2011   #9
Thanks for your help wqm. Your comments are great appreciated. And thanks for the compliment.

Good luck to you as well!!! :D

(I know you have MIT within your hands!)
laurri 1 / 1  
Nov 3, 2011   #10
Since you helped with mine...

To accomplish my profound aspirations to advance the life of impoverished people in third-world nations by improving technology, I must h---ave not only knowledge, but also experience. At UPenn, I would want to complete a study-abroad research. It would be hugely beneficial if I could directly explore the impact of a lack of technology on the lives of third-world nations. The research would provide me with essential exposure and experiences needed to achieve my aspirations of advancing technology. I think mentioning the study abroad is not the best approach, because this is something you can do at any college not just UPenn. Perhaps do some research on specific curricula that are unique to the school?

Excellent writing by the way. That's all I could do considering it's already pretty much perfect. I wrote my impressions from each P and which sent I think you should eliminate to meet the word limit. Although, the prompt does mention "around" so I really think it's not necessary. I went 60 words over on the common app.

I notice you're applying to UPenn (my dream school that I could never get into), and I'm applying to Brown in case you couldn't tell.

***if you could e-mail me: laurri, I'd really like you to critique my common app essay if you have the time***
Again, thanks for your help, much appreciated.
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Nov 3, 2011   #11
Hi Christina :)

Thanks so much for your feedback. It really helped! Especially the comment on the study-abroad research helped. After some browsing, I found the perfect opportunity to talk about at UPenn.

I probably don't hold much of a chance at UPenn either. But, I am applying through QuestBridge. Colleges waive their fees for QuestBridge Finalists.

Anyways, Good luck for Brown! It's a great school.

P.S. Do you have a deadline for your Common app?? I'm sort of busy this week, and on the weekend, we have a religious celebration. But, I can definitely help you next week or will that be too late? Let me know. Here's my e-mail: rifatmursalin@gmail.com

Thanks to you too. :)
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Nov 6, 2011   #12
I would appreciate more feedback please! Thanks =)
sumaiyarahman1 1 / 2  
Nov 13, 2011   #13
This is truly great essay! you sho good examples ans specifics, I wouldnt really change much in th essay .if i were you
also could you please take a look at my essay? thank you!
OP rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Nov 13, 2011   #14
Thanks Sumaiya! I was actually editing your essay while you were editing mine.

Thanks again :D :D :D


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