My last two summers were my first two summers in the United States. As an immigrant student from South Korea, I first had to face two hardships: language problem and economic adversity. Unfortunately, I had to work all day during summer for my family.
Here I find the problem that your ideas are scattered and fail to flow smoothly.
First pick one particular summer activity you did and then tell your story around that. Talk about the nature of work you did; what sort of challenges you faced and how you overcame. You need to improve this response.