So what do you think?
How can it be better?
and its 12 words too long.
I think the most challenging situation I've ever been in, would be the last four weeks of eleventh grade.
At the last month of every year an organization called Ghalamchi conducted four weekly tests, consisting of the subjects taught in fall, winter, summer and one combined test. About sixty thousand students participated each year and the top 20 of the fourth test would get their picture in the Ghalamchi magazine...
After rewrite:
It was a new school. A small school indeed, but it had what many schools in my area didn't. The spirit of learning. It was all because of a man. My math teacher among other things. He helped me when I didn't know I needed it. He, instead of ignoring, stood by me while I tried to learn my way into the world of science. I remember that he used to stay hours after every body had left just in case I had a question.
A year passed and at 11th grade I was teaching 11th grade math in my own school. I knew I had to show him my gratitude, so I made a promise to myself to rank in the top 20 in the nation wide contest held at the end of each year. I had 60,000 competitors. The contest comprised of four weekly tests each covering a specific trimester in the year and one covered the entire year.
I studied long and hard for the first test and when the results were in I was very disappointed. 500 was now where near 20. I still had 3 opportunities.
I studied harder, more thoroughly. But the result wasn't what I had hoped for. 314.
I found it was becoming increasingly harder to keep my promise. But I couldn't lose hope. I had to focus. I changed my reference books and relaxed a bit for the third one. 117.
I was starting to lose hope. Only a week left and I had to try five times harder if not more. I reviewed my work. Practiced more. Going through the books I had looking over anything that could effect my results.
I didn't make it to the top 20. I made it to the top 22. Even though I didn't reach my goal of reaching the top 20 I did however, manage to show him how much his efforts meant to me for he was very proud. Through this I learned that no matter the obstacles in my way I should always try my best to achieve my goals, and if that isn't enough, then I should try harder.
At the last month of every year an organization called Ghalamchi conducts four weekly tests, consisting of the subjects taught in fall, winter, and summer and one combined test. About sixty thousand students participate each year and the top 20 of the fourth test would get their picture in the Ghalamchi magazine. But that wasn't important to me. I just needed to show my physics teacher, and mentor at the time, that I could crack the top 20.
As it turned out, he was cheating. He had purchased the answers to each test from the delivery boy who happened to pass from his daily route to school. Who knows? Maybe if he hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have tried so hard (Is that why you were trying hard? I thought you were trying hard because of your mentor,... and how about yourself?! but what I learned through this was that no matter my surroundings I should always try my best to achieve my goals (this is good), and if that isn't enough, then I should try harder.
-- Your message is really unclear, and honestly (sorry if I'm harsh) but it sounds bad.
Thanks.
Your right. I was kind of unsure about whether I should write that or not.
Do you still think there are any problems?
the essay sounds...agressive. in a negative way to me.
I think your idea is to tell people about how well you can do if you work really hard, as reflected by how remarkably your position jumps from somewhere like 500 to 22. it's a good idea for "challenging situation".
But you may want to wrap the whole thing in a nicer way, like start by deleting things that involve comparison with sohrab but focusing more on your own effort and hard work and determination, stuff like that.
I agree with the previous comments.
The essay doesn't reflect who you are in a nice way.
It seems like your ambitiousness stems from wanting to beat other people..
A total re-write.
What do you think?
I think it is better, since you are focusing on yourself. And it keeps the message that you wanted from your previous draft.
Going through the books I had, looking over anything that could effect my results.
Good luck!
