Could you guys tell me how my essay is for the common app #1? Does it answer the criteria/s? How is the flow? Transitions? Thanks!
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you.
My Last Strings
Violin case, stand, and music... Check, check, and check. With sweat rolling across my lips, I sat there, waiting for the lift of the magical wand that my conductor uses all so well.
Despite being the fourth stand in my 7th grade class, I never really understood how much pressure was too much or too little. With the constant fluctuation of the song flowing along with the high and low beats, my emotions were a constant melting pot. As I looked about in the empty crowd, I found the solemn face of darkness stare back, never gazing away, never blinking.
"Okay students, please raise your bows, we're going to start again at the fourth line, part B," said a voice.
As I snapped back to reality, I saw the empty rows of seats lay before me. Filling a small part of the empty space was my conductor standing high on top a platform. Not a moment too soon, I realized that this was just a rehearsal. Just a rehearsal... No big deal, right?
"Oh wow," I thought to myself, "how did I end up here...?"
The sounds of chatter entered my ears from every direction. As I looked around the theater, darkness did not welcome me this time. Rather, I saw the faces of people I knew, friendly and strange. Breaking away from the distractions surrounding me, I looked up to my conductor.
"Oh my god Edwin, do not screw up. No pressures at all, just take it slow and easy..." I reassured myself.
As my conductor, John, raised his baton, I took a deep breath. With perfect posture, I embraced myself for an hour of hell.
"And so it begins," I whispered to myself.
As I played my strings away, going from one page to the next, I felt my heart beat to the tempo of the concerto. The auxiliary of the beat pounded my head and my eyes stung from the sweat of my work.
"One song down, only two more to go," I thought nervously.
I was certain of failure somewhere down the line. Then, John lifted his baton and began the start of a new song.
"One, two, three... And now!"
With a raise of my shoulder and a lift of my arm, I began to play my part. With the tempo increasing faster and faster, my heart raced right along.
Playing faster than I had ever before, I closed my eyes in the midst of defeat. I just didn't have the strength to continue.
"Edwin, this is your last concert. You have to finish strong and proud."
Whoever said this to me, either myself or my partner, or some higher calling, I realized that the voice was right; I need to represent who I am. Opening my eyes once again, I began to play the finale with my last strings.
With my ears attuned to the song, I hear a faint voice whisper, "Well done, Edwin. Well done."
I have a few suggestions for your essay. Nice work. I like how much detail you have added into your story.
Violin case, stand, and music... Check, check, and check.
Another way you could write this: Violin...check, stand...check, music...check.
I never really understood how much pressure was too much or too little.
This is a bit confusing, not sure what you mean... maybe re-word this sentence to clear it up?
As I snapped back to reality, I saw the empty rows of seats that lay before me.
[i] Rather, I saw the faces of people I knew, some friendly people and strangers .
"Oh my god Edwin, do not screw up. There is no pressure at all, just take it slow and easy..." I reassured myself.
"either myself or my partner, or some higher calling,"
this part sounds a little strange to me... BUT I love the way you have written this tale from the "thoughts" point of view, by slowly describing the moment bit by bit-- good job :)
Thank you so much Jenny for your feedback! I really appreciate it!
Could you tell me, from a grammatical standpoint, that I correctly used my quotation marks and the way I placed my commas and periods? I'm not too sure about the way I used that and would just like the reassurance that I didn't mess anything up.
Also, do you believe that, after reading my essay, it fulfills the common app question #1? Do you think I evaluated a significant experience and that I showed how it impacted me?
Thank you again Jenny! :)
Hi, I am glad that my feedback helped you :)
To answer your question: Yes, I do believe you have written your quotations with proper grammar, I cannot find any errors.
Also, I think that you have done exactly what the question has prompted: You described, in detail, and from your perspective, an experience that had great meaning to you. The style in which you wrote is great because it is unique. It is your thoughts and explains all of the feelings you had at that moment. I think that you did well, it shows your personality and that you are a real person. When I say "real" I mean that I can imagine who you are by reading this, it is not a boring generic story that is like all the others. Good job!
Nice job on the essay. You have some good vivid imagery and emotions.
Hi Edwin,
You're a really good storyteller. You described how nervous you were and how you picked yourself up in such detail. You also made the story very interesting to me as a reader.
However, I don't think you've answered the question properly. Yes, I agree that this experience is significant to you, but I just don't see and don't feel much of the impact it has made on you. It's just kinda vague to me and felt more like a story with a happy ending.
I think you should add a little bit about how you as a student or as a musician have changed for the better, like you're now confident, unafraid and you can cope with anything, things like that. And I think putting a strong conclusion at the end of your essay would make it memorable.
Just my opinion. Hope I can help.
Good luck!
April April,
I completely understand what you mean, I even agree with you how I showed my "impact" as very vague; that was what I was afraid of. Also, thank you for your suggestion/s to add additional segments to my essay to show how this experience impacted me.
However, my essay as it is will not be able to be any longer. Due to the new 500 word limit, I'm stuck with what I have right now. Which is why I want to know, do you believe I can simply choose the common app topic, "Choose your own," rather than use their "Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you?"
Perhaps through this way, I can leave my essay as it is rather than having to edit out parts that I can't/don't want to edit out. Thanks to everyones suggestions so far though!
I think that the entrance is a bit short, but that the whole story flows together very well. Perhaps you could either expand the first paragraph to be more of a history of even cut it down to make sure it absolutely flows well with no bumps into the actual music.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Anyways, to my previous question, does anybody have a input for that?
Thanks!
Hi Edwin,
That I think is a difficult thing to deal with.
Well according to Jennifer, this essay shows who you are, but to me, there's something missing in the essay, and I don't really feel you in it, as I said it felt like a story with a happy ending I usually see on TV.
So, the decision would be totally up to you. If you think the essay is good enough to demonstrate your personality, keep this prompt. However, if I were you, I would cut down a litlle bit on some descriptive details and just keep those really essential in showing who I am, and add the part about its impact to the essay (and still use this prompt); or you should also ask some other people who have an authority and you really trust to proofread this essay.
Sorry that's all I can suggest. Hope it helps.
Best of luck to you!
April April,
Thank you for your comment; you are right, this essay does feel more like a TV show with a happy ending. My plan as of now is to follow what you said and to cut out the descriptive details that I do not truly need and to include an impact somewhere in my essay. From this, I hope I can keep my prompt as it is, show who I am, why this experience was meaningful, and how it impacted me.
Thanks to everyone for your help and suggestions, I truly do appreciate them!
Nice work on using imagery. The transition is not quite well, as I had been expecting. But all in all, I like how you narrated your story in a way that your readers could imagine how it was like being in your shoe. :D
