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The Latin word "Mores" figuratively represents the glue that holds me together


TheMig 1 / 6  
Oct 6, 2009   #1
hello here is my FSU essay i need help for my last paragraph i am drawing blank if you could throw some ideas or sentences at me it would be great. Also feel free to pick it apart thats why i posted it to try to make perfect. Sorry about the indentations it wont let me for some reason.

Although my existence has been a fairly short one, the road which I've traveled has allowed me to experience both adversity and prosperity. The taste of both failure and success has molded me into the well rounded individual I am today. The Latin words "Vires, Artes, and Mores" are all present in my constantly expanding personality. These qualities are the impetus behind my success both academically and socially.

The Latin word "Mores" figuratively represents the glue that holds me together, it is the foundation of my being. Growing up in a Christian home I was embedded with a strong sense of character and tradition. Through the teachings of god I learned right from wrong, and to have integrity in every aspect of my life. Attending Church was routine for my family, and I often spent hours servicing the community through various youth groups and charitable events that my church held. I specifically remember acting as the assistant basketball coach for an 8 year old team. I really cherished the experience because I was able to influence kids in a positive manor. Although I've grown more secular, the moral teachings I have obtained from church will forever remain a part of me.

In the early stages of my high school career the qualities that embody the word "Vires" were not always predominant. It wasn't until I witnessed the failings of those who I once called my friends, did I realize that excelling academically was the key to my success. I began to think intellectually rather than stereotypically, and got involved in my high school by joining various clubs and activities such as the environmental club. Through the environmental club I was able to participate in a program that enlightened my fellow students about recycling and the positive effects it has on our community. My physical strength allowed me to participate on the football team in which I learned the values of leadership, dedication, and teamwork. Although I have often made wrong decisions, these mistakes provided me with an education no school could offer. My father always told me "We are a product of our experiences."

In order for me to maintain an overall healthy consciousness I must be able to express myself thoroughly, it is through "Artes" or the arts that I do so. Creative writing, drawing, and reading, all act as vents for my creativity and stress. I have been blessed with the knowledge of brilliant people such as Ernest Hemingway, Fredrick Nietzsche, and many others just by reading their work. Although I mentioned my father's quote I do not completely agree. I believe I am not only the product of my experiences but of those exceptional human beings whose work have influenced me mentality, emotionally, and physically.

I know Florida State University is perfect for me: your education will enlighten me both as an intellectual, and as scholar. I am constantly striving and pushing myself to reach my full potential, and with FSU's guidance I'm sure I can obtain my goal. I am eager to participate on your campus, and apply the qualities that embody the words "Vires, Artes, Mores" in my college life.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 7, 2009   #2
Although my existence has been a fairly short one, the road which I've traveled has allowed me to experience both adversity and prosperity.

I already don't like this essay. General, vague, and mostly uninformative opening statement. You need a better hook than this.

The taste of both failure and success has molded me into the well rounded individual I am today.

Ugh. And it continues.

The Latin words "Vires, Artes, and Mores" are all present in my constantly expanding personality. These qualities are the impetus behind my success both academically and socially.

Okay, I'm at the end of your first paragraph, and all I know is that you are going to talk about how you possess Vires, Artes, and Mores, which I already knew because of the prompt. You have just caused me to waste precious time reading something that told me nothing new. Grr . .. .

Growing up in a Christian home I was embedded with a strong sense of character and tradition.

Your body paragraphs seem more promising, but still too vague. What sort of character? What specific traditions?

Attending Church was routine for my family, and I often spent hours servicing the community through various youth groups and charitable events that my church held.

Which youth groups? What events?

Although I've grown more secular, the moral and spiritual teachings I have obtained from church will forever remain a part of me.

What morals? What teachings?

And so on. Go through your essay and expand in much more narrative detail on the points you are trying to make. If this makes your essay begin to seem too long, then simply pick one of the three and write an essay on that one virtue.
bridog 1 / 6  
Oct 7, 2009   #3
Yeah I agree with the Mig this essay needs to be more specific. I learned that already and basically had to rewrite my essay but it turned out better in the long run. I ended up just adding details about my succes in the classroom and on the field and it turned out pretty good.
OP TheMig 1 / 6  
Oct 7, 2009   #4
hey thanks you guys i really appreciate your advice well here is what i got so far its a little more specific tell me what you think. Also should i consider just deading the whole first paragraph in general let me know what you think.


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