Prompt: If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
Throughout my life span, the greatest attribute to my character has always been my laugh. It is one of contagiousness. No matter what mood one is in, the second I give off a chuckle, it always tends to make others giggle in response. Who would have known, that the thing I am best known for and brings so much joy to others, would soon bring me harm.
While on a trip to Universal Studios, I sat with a group of friends at a restaurant waiting until they would call us back to the bus to head our journey back home. As we entertained each other with talk and humor, one of my friends said something that made the whole table laugh profusely. As we eventually settled down, I realized that my right hand was shaking uncontrollably. Though my friends thought it was a joke, they soon came to the realization that it was a really serious matter. The trembling that started in my hand, soon spread throughout my entire body. No one knew what to do. They quickly rushed me to the bus to lie down, as I was unable to stand up caused by the shaking in my legs. Many of the spectators believed I was having some form of seizure. As I was able to talk and retained consciousness, the supervisors quickly loaded everyone back onto the bus and rushed me back home.
Throughout the next few weeks, my family took me to numerous different doctors to have countless tests done to figure out why I was still shaking. No one had an answer for me, considering everything came back normal. The only thing doctors could do was label this condition as some form of active tremor. For the next two months, I was unable to do practically anything, especially schoolwork. I had to have my family write everything out for me. What took another student a half hour to complete, took me two hours.
Five months after the original starting date of these intense tremors, it settled down enough to where I would shake only when I was active. However, these activities could be something as simple as writing or even laughing a little bit. This condition hindered my daily activities immensely. A full year later, my shaking stopped. The doctors did not heal me, and it definitely was not any medication they put me on. It was the power of God that healed me.
Although this was a horrible experience to go through, I am grateful that I had to endure this. Through this experience, I learned how to have perseverance more than anyone I know. I gained strength to accomplish any task at hand. I am now able to encourage others through the worst times and understand at least a little bit of what they are going through. Most importantly, it showed that even through hard times, I am able to manage my time while keeping good enough grades to be in the top five percent of my class.
Not bad for a first draft. I'd focus more on showing your emotional response to the experience and on showing how and what you learned from it. You state what you learned in the last paragraph, but simply telling isn't very interesting, and it seems tacked on anyway. Actually showing what you learned through narrative description is the way to go here.
I agree with Sean. The essay starts strong, with the story, but ends weakly.
more than anyone I know.
This comparison is not needed and may possibly be perceived as arrogant. Of course, you do not know the difficulties through which people in your life have themselves persevered.
No matter what mood one is in, the second I give off a chuckle, it always tends to make others giggle in response.
^If it is a case of 'no matter what mood one is in', then it should not be a 'tend'. It either does or does not.
In your second paragraph, your usage of the word 'they' is ambivalent in certain parts. Also certain clauses need to be separated with a comma rather than a full stop.
The ending is alright, but definitely could use some work in order for it to be truly effective. Certain parts could be revised. Certain parts could use some more development.
I gained strength to accomplish any task at hand. I am now able to encourage others through the worst times and understand at least a little bit of what they are going through.
^You did not quite discuss how you accomplished any task at hand, or how you encouraged others. Therefore, just these become bold statements. Unless you can exemplify how you did these, I would not suggest making such statements.
The doctors did not heal me, and it definitely was not any medication they put me on. It was the power of God that healed me.
Hmmm...I'm curious. Did the doctors tell you what your problem was called? Did they put you on medication? If they did, how are you sure that it was not the medication that healed you? I would leave God out of it. Not that I'm against your religion or anything. It's just that it seems a little randomly assertive. If that makes any sense. Again, just curious.
I am now able to encourage others through the worst times and understand at least a little bit of what they are going through.
I'm guessing that "the worst of times" will mostly be emotionally related. How will you be able to understand them through your physical infliction experience?
Most importantly, it showed that even through hard times, I am able to manage my time while keeping good enough grades to be in the top five percent of my class.
This is not a concluding sentence.
Most importantly, it showed that even through hard times, I am able to manage my time while keeping good enough grades to be in the top five percent of my class.
I agree with llamapoop123...the last sentence seems a bit random. I can see that you have gone through a frightening experience, but I think that you should bring more emotion in addition to your statements.
It was the power of God that healed me.
This is a bit problematic. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with expressing religious faith in passing in your essay. On the other hand, presumably it would be equally accurate to say that it was the power of God that afflicted you in the first place, the affliction being just as mysterious and inexplicable as its eventual cure, so your apparent praising of God seems . . . odd. You could of course explain this more fully, but then your essay would be horribly off-topic. It might be better to just omit it.
The doctors did not heal me, and it definitely was not any medication they put me on. It was the power of God that healed me..
You may not be reading this since this essay has been sitting for a while.
Reading your last paragraph, one feels almost an envy, a desire to know what power you got, what did you learn that gave you this strength. It is your choice of course whether you wish to share the events leading to your great perseverance and patience, to the extent that it has had such a positive impact upon your work.
It is almost always a very personal experience, these things when they happen, that is their nature. You started telling your story in a very easy and descriptive fashion but seemed as if to have changed your mind about telling the entire story. The upshot as you can see is, that what you so strongly assert as the cause for your healing, and you at this time believe as well, is now suggested by others to be omitted altogether for better reading!
Now, that is peer pressure !
Indeed, if you had a particular religious or spiritual experience that led you to believe that God healed you, then your essay would be much stronger, though, as I said, adding in the details might cause you to drift off-topic. You could give it a shot, though.
I believe the entire prompt includes how the individual overcame the bump, which she has not mentioned.
Nice essay but like everyone else said, weak ending but strong start.
heyy.. im not sure if you have rewritten your essay but i think your introduction is as everybody said very strong and really interested me to read on...
so..just have to make the as the introduction, it mite be hard to do but im sure you can...
=)
I don't think you should state the fact about the top five percent, not only because it weakens your ending, but also because it is would probably be mentioned elsewhere in your application..
I like the story, and I agree with everyone else. With a strong start we would expect a stronger ending..
I enjoyed reading your essay. My comment would be to omit "It was the power of God that healed me." As most have pointed out and commented already, I have nothing against religion but it sounds a bit too forced upon.
Great opening,
could have a better ending though.
