Hello! Can anyone help me with my essays? This is the last day.... ANY SUGGESTION, whether it is in grammar or in content, will be welcomed! I promise I'll look back on your essays! (I cannot find my teacher who is now in NYC, and this is the reason why I am in a rush. What happened in NYC? Did the snow damage the communication system?)
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How did you first learn about Hamilton?
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I first learned about Hamilton from my sister. She knew a graduate of Hamilton and had a deep impression of the school. Thus, she strongly recommended Hamilton College to me.
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Please Describe Your Reasons for Applying to Hamilton:
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In my hometown, the legal system is yet to be perfected, and it is not uncommon to see people's rights being infringed. It stuck me every time when I heard that people's houses were razed without a legal permission and that innocent citizens were "reeducated through labor", an unofficial way of putting people in prison. I have longed for defending for the weak and protecting their legal rights. I want to be a lawyer in the future. Thus, I want to major in American Studies and minor in Jurisprudence, Law and Justice Studies, hoping to learn from America's development in legal system and contribute to that of my country. Hamilton is the best place for me not only because of its long history, but also because of its focus on communication skills, innovation and study opportunities.
English being my second language, I eagerly want to polish my management of this language, in order to gain knowledge more efficiently as well as defend my opinions more persuasively. I believe I could gain effective communication skills, the basic requirement of a lawyer, with the help of Hamilton's Writing Center and Oral Communication Center, such as the handouts-Writing a Long Paper, Comma Rules, etc-provided by the former as well as the Oral Communication courses and workshops held by the latter. I love the rigor of Hamilton in fostering students' expression abilities.
Additionally, I am looking for a creative school, since innovation is a significant factor in succeeding in legal profession. Hamilton definitely matches my requirements. The creative Video Game Nation course in American Study caught my eye: it provides me with a new angle to analyze a country. Besides, hearing different voices toward a certain issue from the multicultural student body at Hamilton, I can form global views and understand others better, which help me defend for others in my future career as a lawyer.
At Hamilton, I will encounter many opportunities, either in academic area or in hands-on experience. Thanks to the open curriculum at Hamilton, I could broaden my knowledge and develop my own interests by taking courses in other fields freely. Also, I am looking forward to take part in the various off-campus study opportunities, whether international or domestic. By attending the program in India, I am able to have deeper understanding of foreign cultures and expand my global vision. By joining the program in New York City, I could have real working experience and an early contact with the profession field.
In conclusion, I am applying to Hamilton in that it will help me pursue my dream and make a change in my hometown.
I live in NYC, and there is communication. I think you should focus only in 1 or 2 reasons why you are applying to Hamilton, therefor you can expand more on those reasons and exolain what Hamilton will do for you .I am also applying to Hamilton.
If i were you, i would expand that last paragraph to tell more of what Hamilton will give you, what you have come to realize you wanted out of a good college experience. Don't just brush on the subject. You've already talked about english being your second language, and of the law system in your hometown - tell them what you believe Hamilton has to offer YOU. (also, what YOU have to offer Hamilton)
Hey guys! Apologies for the delay! I was replying your essays and I hope I helped. Thank you for your feedback! So I should expand on my reasons? Actually I am not very clear about that. How "exclusive" can be called "exclusive"? I have tried to find specific reasons and proof, but it seems I failed. Is there an example that could help me understand? Thanks a lot!
I believe I could gain effective communication skills, the basic requirement of a lawyer, with the help of Hamilton's Writing Center and Oral Communication Center, such as the handouts-Writing a Long Paper, Comma Rules, etc.(Here should be a period?) -
I can form global views and understand others better, which helps me defend for others in my future career as a lawyer.
I like your first paragraph. It clearly shows your dream and points out the main points of your body paragraphs.
In the study oppotunities part, you can give out more information and show your focus on your major, since all these programs seem to indirectly support your dream.
And the conclusion paragraph is a little bit weak. For some reason I don't like the phrase "in conclusion". And you can just repeat the main benefits here as well as your dream to show your desire to study here. And probably you can mention your future contribution to the college.
Overall it is pretty good. Wish you good luck!~
